Seeking Inspiration

Wow, looking back things got worse, but then they got better.  Yay.

My niece is living with us now.  Sister of niece who lived with us a few years ago.

In high school, I knew a couple different kids.  "I'm living with my aunt" or "I live with my grandparents."  Without going into detail on their personal lives, I would think, "How can their parents do that?  It seems like there should be some way to work things out.  The kid comes first.  What a terrible parent to let their kid go."  Now my brother is one of those parents.

But the thing is, he's not a bad guy.  Quite the opposite, he's a good guy; or at least that's the way I've always seen him.  You can't blame the person he is with for his choices because in the end, the person he is with is his choice, too.  So, I've categorized my feelings for his girlfriend and, well, I tried to be friends with her, but in the end I felt like she was trying to be friends with me and I was somehow cast in the part of the bad guy.  I can't be the pawn in some political power play between his past and his present so I side with the one who didn't ask me to choose and let everything else go.

Still, I can't quite figure out how I feel about brother right now.  His happiness seems to have come before his children's somehow, and yet - he's still a good guy.  In certain ways.  With that frame, is that possible?  Of course people are complex...

Meanwhile, his kids need out because they aren't trusted, supported.  Even emotional and financial support is lost in favor, I suppose, of making them independent, but unwillingness to help your kids for the urgent things like school fees (or even food, and clothing if they move out before they graduate High School) appears nothing more than selfish.  I have seen and heard enough on this subject to know it is true without taking the kids' word for it.

My own child is 11.  I have no practice for this.  I love these kids, but I am just not sure I know how to do it right.  I worry enough about doing it right for my pre-teen.

I try to be straight forward with these guys, but I have a feeling it comes of very weird because, again, no practice.  Our family does not come from the school of straight forward by any stretch of the imagination.

Well, I don't care what is said about me because I'm comfortable with my choices.  I spend very little time and energy defending myself because even if my actions aren't perfect, I know I made them with the best of intentions.  Always.  Which in my mind I see me saying "I don't care what is said" and thinking that is something someone says when they do care so take that as you will.  In honesty, I guess there are certain things said about me that get back to me and piss me off, but that's also something I have to become comfortable with.

I just feel so overwhelmed sometimes.

I haven't done an obscure art project for a long time and I think maybe it will help with this creative constipation I'm having.  Ideas running rampant, but I can't form anything.  I say obscure art because any artist or art teacher would probably say it's crap.  I'm not exactly talented, but sometimes converting to the visual medium opens the non-visual part of my brain.  Seeking inspiration...

An Artist's Life for me

Just ended a long week temping the old 8-5, M-F.  This is just a couple weeks after doing a previous week and then a few Mondays this summer.

Well, it appears I'm supposed to be grateful - for the experience or the money or something.  I feel like I don't see my family anymore and find myself instead thinking about things like how can a parent who works full-time think they know their kid at all?  How can a person who works that many hours a week believe they have it all?  How many marriages only work because the couple never see each other?

I set Jane up on playdates every day.  I checked in to see where she was and what was happening.  I called her on lunch every day and when I got home, I asked what she did and if she had fun.  I find it hard to believe that a parent who sticks their kid in daycare, know where they are every day, and get soft in their routine can say as much.  I'm not an overbearing, overly nurturing Mom so I know I'm not smothering her by being home, but I have a feeling I know my kid better than most parents and I don't quite understand having a kid you don't have any desire to know.

If you spend all day at work, then come home, someone has to clean, cook, etc.  Hiring people to do this is fine, but you still have to do bills, register your kids for school, and all those other little tasks that add up.  Why believe this is really all?  No, I have it all most of the time.  I know my kid, get to play with my kid, but also get to follow my dream of writing.  I will throw in the disclaimer here that I realize many people need the extra income, don't dream of an artists life, or don't have the support of their spouse in such endeavors.  I understand that, but stop judging me because I do have those things.  Yeah, who couldn't use a little more money, but I know tons of people who make more and still don't have enough.  What's enough?  You just end up spending whatever you make.

I'll admit things aren't always perfect, but my spouse and I get along pretty great - better than most couples - and we do it without hiding ourselves to make the other happy.  We are pretty honest with each other and still make it work.  Sure, making yourself too available ends up making yourself taken for granted, but a gal can (and should) have a life outside of her marriage.  Go out with friends.  Join groups with common interests.  Whatever it takes.

I'm just saying, I reflect and say this is working for us, but so much emphasis is placed in the wrong areas of life.  We can't predict what's going to happen in our future, but it's not fair for everyone to tell me what I should be doing.  I've spent years listening to them judge me for not working and I will tell you now, they've got nothing in comparison to what I have.  Don't knock it 'till you try it.