We Need To Change The Dialogue

We need to change the dialogue about adoption.  Decades ago, a girl got pregnant outside of wedlock and the baby was shipped off for (closed) adoption, the grandparents raised the kid as their own, the girls are forced into marriage, etc, and often the girls had to drop out of school.

Now, they have lots of options to stay in school, take control of their own bodies, and if they decide on adoption, to have some contact so they don't feel so lost.  Meanwhile, the shame is still there and people judge those who want to give babies up or sometimes judge those who don't.

I feel like we need to change the dialogue altogether.  Is a teen/adult selfish for allowing her baby to be adopted?  Absolutely not.  Giving a baby to a family who wants to love and raise it is the most selfless thing a person can do!  Believe me, I'm grateful for the birth mother of my beautiful daughter.

Can teens be good moms?  Or adults without jobs?  Absolutely.  And if they don't want to be moms (or maybe just not yet) should they feel shame by that decision?  Absolutely not!  It doesn't make a woman less of a woman just because she doesn't want to have kids.  Or get married.  It also doesn't make her a crazy feminist (feminists are not crazy! but that's a whole other discussion!)  It makes her exactly who she is and we have an obligation to embrace that.

And for the sake of equality, if the birth father wants to raise the kid, then he should.  However, if the birth mother has reasons to think he shouldn't raise that kid, her voice should be heard (as should his).  I mean, it took them both to make the kid, but the mom is the one who has had to do nothing except think about the well being of the child for nine months.  In the end, a dad is not required to think about it at all, if he chooses, and even if he does, he will never think of it as constantly as the woman carrying that child.  I know it's not very fair to put it that way and it's not very feminist to say that women are different, but they are!  And thank the gods they are because intellect and growth cannot occur between two people who think exactly the same.  Women are not lesser because of the way they think, they are simply the opposition.  It's a generalization to say women think this and men think that anyway so let's just recognize both sides and agree to the reality which is the woman with this thing growing inside of her will have her POV colored by it in every situation she encounters for those months, but a man will not be up in the middle of the night with heartburn and wondering what it will be like someday when his kid gets heartburn and how are you going to take care of it, then sleep for ten minutes only to wonder what you're going to do if the kid doesn't like strained peas.  Men, generally, think about the big things or about carrying on the family name or whether or not he can provide (in some cases, it's his ego saying he wants it to look like he can provide even if he cannot).  A mom thinks about how that kid will feel, where the kid will be happiest, who can take better care of him/her, and what she'll be like as an adult.

Which is more important?  The impression made upon the world of how the birth parents look or the well being of the child?  If the birth parents are driven at all by how THEY look, then they need to stop it right there.  If the birth parents are thinking about what's best for the child, then they will make the right choice between adoption or raising the child themselves.

Unfortunately I feel the former has been the drive for both parents more often that not.  They let their parents shame them into keeping the kid or let their parents become pseudo parents who end up just spoiling the kid.

I've had an ever changing view on this subject so I'm sure I will be schooled and able to grow more, but it is important to see that the dialogue about adoption needs to change.

I know we hear about kids who feel lost because they don't know who their "real" parents are.  Frankly, we all feel lost from time to time.  If we weren't adopted, we figure out other reasons why we feel lost.  In at least some of those situations, I wonder if it's not an abandonment issue, but is instead part of the process of finding out who you are.  And yeah, who you are is something internal - it's not completely dependent on your DNA.

I don't think there is anything wrong with getting to know who your birth parents are, but tread carefully.  The ones who raised you, loved you, sacrificed things they wanted to give you the things you wanted - these are your real parents and it's not unreasonable for us to ask that you don't say things like you want to get to know your "real" family or that you feel like less of a person because you were given up for adoption.  You weren't given up.  You were given love.

At the same time, adoptive parents need to remember that it might be a part of their child's journey to meet their biological parents so try not to be jealous or threatened of that.  The bio parent might be awesome to your kid, sweet, and wonderful, but all sides concerned need to remember that we are who we are because of our experiences.  Had that "wonderful" person been raising that particular kid his or herself, don't you think they would have been a different person 16 years later?  We can't assume they would have the ability to be that wonderful person.

Things I think we shouldn't hear anymore:
You'll regret it
You'll miss out on his/her life.
You're selfish
That child is a part of our family and you have no right.

You don't know who your "real' parents are?
You need to know DNA and medical history!
I need to know where I come from in order to be a whole person

Sometimes kids are taken away from the parents without their consent.

Yeah, that's true... but laws are changing and updated constantly so that happens less and less often.  I still see stories where the mother claims the baby was taken from her 5 years ago and she wouldn't have given her up if she had known.  Sadly those are stories of our past, but they are not often the stories of the present.  For more than twenty years, the paperwork, the conversations, and the requirements have made this incredibly difficult.  This truth just needs to catch up with the people who still tell stories about articles they read in  Reader's Digest 15 years ago about the mom who didn't know her baby was given up without her permission.  At that time the story was probably 20 years old!  It's outdated information.

While we still see things on the news, let's remember that we need to be advocating for the child to be in the best home for them, not worrying so much about the mom who changed her mind ten years later or the adoptive parent who wasn't perfect.  Of course mistakes still happen, but that's not a reason to talk badly about adoption (or not giving up for adoption for that matter). It's no excuse to say hurtful things about these situations.  You could be talking to an adopted child, an adoptive parent, or a birth parent in any conversation.  Remember that they all have the right to their decision and that they deserve respect.

My perspective:

I also don't like certain things that have come up.  Like "It's so great to love a child that isn't your own.  I mean, by birth." Yeah, you tried to correct yourself, but all you did was make yourself look like a heartless fool.  I'm not convinced that mothers love their children because they came out of them.  Sometimes, yes, but I think it's also the emotional bonding, the growing, experiencing things with your child. This happens from day one so it seems like it's the birth process, but maybe it's just proximity.  Maybe I can love my child as much as the one you popped out. Maybe I have a heart without prejudice.

The other one is a comment along the lines of it being great because it probably was a better situation for the mother... but stated in a way that implied she must be some drug addict or skanky drunk teen who doesn't understand consequences.  I've gathered that a lot of people think the only way a person would give up a kid is if their life is a mess.  This is a huge thing that needs to change.  My niece was mature and responsible for her age.  That's why she made the decision she made.  It was a smart decision for her. I have learned that in a lot of situations, it's not that the mother is a mess, it's that she isn't.  As long as we hold onto that myth, it also tells prospective bio moms thinking about adoption that they are messed up mentally, physically, or otherwise to consider adoption.  No!  We need to make sure they understand it can show they are intelligent, mature, and responsible.