Kids and technology

Why Steve Jobs Didn't Let His Kids Use iPads

Go read that.

It's a common theme these days and this article, amongst others, are blowing up around the internet and in the real world.

I've got parents saying they think they've got it right because their kids have basic cell phones, shared computer, and limits on their game system.  I've got another parent who takes my kid's cell phone away when she goes to play at her friend's house and, by the way, has never given me her phone number, doesn't have a land line and therefore isn't listed in the phone directory.  I've got someone else near me who says she doesn't mind having no cell phone or cable tv because it makes her kids be more creative, but when someone bought her a tablet, she immediately started a share plan so her kids could use it and be out of her hair.

THEY ARE ALL WRONG!

I want those parents who think they are superior for keeping "technology" from their kids to ask themselves whether or not their kids are ever going to drive a car or if you'll expect them to ride a horse and then ask themselves if they are really as superior as they think.

Look, if someone doesn't want a smart phone, that's their choice.  I feel like in modern society, it's okay to accept use of a cell phone.  After all, the pay phones all over town have been taken out and many places have policies specifically against using their business phone.  (Don't believe me?  Start asking at every business you go into.  Several of them have a specific company policy regarding this.)  Cell phones are expensive, but the alternatives we had in the past are gone.  Previous to phones, the worst thing that happened was a run away horse so our family had less worry about us dying if we disappeared for two hours.

The fact is, kids need to learn to balance technology with life.  Why do we use that word anyway?  The assembly line designed by the 'great and powerful' Ford is a type of technology.  It's our little portable devices we're discussing here and just like the assembly line, they will change everything we do from now until the apocalypse so best we get on board with understanding that it is more than an outlet to play Candy Crush.

It's sort of like teaching manners to a three year old.  Lots of people choose not to do it because "a kid is a kid!" but in reality, you are doing them a disservice.  How do you think they will learn manners if you don't teach it to them?  Teach them the importance of these devices, but also teach them when to put it away.  They will be much better adults if they don't think it's an all or nothing deal.  You're trying to control their every movement and frankly, kids who are overly controlled don't learn how to manage anything and are crippled adults.  These new adults aren't computer addicts because their parents let them be on the computer all the time.  They are addicts because no one taught them to set goals, limits, leave the games until the work is done.

Parents of the most recent generation were very busy and just wanted their kids out of their hair.

Look at my kid, okay?  At thirteen, I don't push the limits of her electronic use very much.  Why?  Because when she was younger, I made her earn her computer time. I waited to get her a cell phone until she was old enough to be running off with friends on her own (not play dates or babysitting where I'm there or there is a babysitter who can make emergency calls) and we waited to get her a cell phone until she had proved herself to be trusted and responsible.

Don't get me wrong.  When we sit down to dinner as a family, I sometimes have to remind her to put her phone away, but she does it immediately and we usually sit around talking after the meal.  She gets on the computer and we lose her for a few hours, but that happens about once a month.  Other than that, she plays lacrosse, goes outside to practice, plays her guitar, and hangs out with friends.

Yeah, she listens to music a lot on her iPod.  I listened to it a ton in my room on a tape deck.  I watched too much TV because I didn't have friends... not the other way around.  She has lots of friends so she has little interest in playing video games all night.  She actually has access to the Wii by herself, but she never plays it.  We have a PS3, too and she plays it for about 40 minutes when we are out for a walk, then turns it off for family time when we get home.

She has no siblings, you see, so it's a little harder to say "Hey, go entertain yourself."  Kids with siblings aren't entertaining themselves.  They are entertaining each other.  IMO, this will make them extra dependent on another for their happiness when they are older.  It's why some people jump into bad marriages.

We have used the iPhone to download study aides and reminders for a kid who has trouble remembering stuff and who does lots of research for school classes.  She's independent in her work, but we're always here to help.  Instead of doing things for her, we give her the tools to do it herself.

It's cool if you want to keep your kids from these devices.  Just stop thinking you've done something "right".  No, not "right", just "different".

reLAX mom!

I'm a reluctant soccer mom.  That is to say, I'm the mother of a daughter I thought I was signing up for a bit of fun, an after school activity, a little exercise she could do with friends but would quickly lose interest in.

Lacrosse.

And then something happened.  She loved the game.

Even more unexpected; so did I!

I never went to Super Bowl parties - not even for the commercials.  I mean, I'm not a complete numb skull toward sports.  My friends and I went to every football game my Sophomore year in high school, but I didn't really care to go when my friendship circle spiraled and my new friends didn't go.  For a brief time (an hour during the Olympics) I though curling was the coolest thing in the world.  Once in a while, I tune in to hockey for half a game and I've taken my daughter to a hockey game because my niece got us awesome tickets.

Generally, I gave sports a try, but decided I didn't give a flying fruit tree.

Lacrosse is different.  Have you watched it?  Men's Lacrosse is incredibly brutal (and awesome!) and watching ten minutes of Women's, you'll see the incredible skill and stamina required for this sport. Women's is actually pretty brutal in comparison to other female sports, but it's certainly no Men's.  (Rugby and hockey players don't hit each other with sticks, so seriously, LAX might be the fiercest.)

The girls we've met are not like the athletic girls I knew in high school.  Fit, yes, but so friendly and funny.  It takes a unique gal to play a the less popular sports, I guess.  They have the best personalities.  Then again, I see it from a "mom" perspective.

As much as teens and their parents don't relate, I notice most of the other parents are athletic types or at least into watching sports.  I notice the parents of the nerds at school are often quite intelligent, accomplished nerds.  Fathers read comic books to their sons.

It's not that we're so vastly different.  Jane appreciates comic books like her father and music like I do.  She enjoys watching old movies and musicals with me and we all go to comic book movies together.  It's just that neither of us was raised to be athletic by athletes so that part is difficult to relate.  We encourage her, but cannot afford expensive camps or a lot of private lessons.  As good as she is, she's had to get there on her own.  Well, yeah, we play catch with her and those kinds of things, but we aren't much of a challenge to encourage growth.

Yet I'm as proud as proud can be when I see her on the field catching, running, defending, attacking, and generally loving the game.

Plus, Lacrosse is pretty cool.  If you haven't checked it out, go to a local game and give it a chance.  We could use more supporters!

Defining Independent Artist

It seems that with an internet full of information, it is also full of opinions on the final word of what makes an artist.

It's easy to say painters and sculptors are artists because this is, of course, referred to as "art".  These days, computers play a large roll in art so graphic artists are accepted as artists.

After that, we call musicians artists whether they are creating the work themselves or simply putting a voice to a song written by someone else.  Interesting how that one works.

To me, if you strive for creativity, you are an artist. Frankly, I've met business managers who conduct business in a creative, artistic way, but when I start recognizing that, I realize everyone on this green and blue earth is an artist so I'll pull back my definition a little.

Perhaps artist is a lifestyle and personality rather than an endeavor.  Maybe it's about the personalities, the love of art, the desire to wear peasant blouses and drink wine.  But wait. I don't wear peasant blouses, drink wine, and type with one hand on an Apple so it must not be that narrow either.

As a writer, I consider myself an artist, but that has actually been discounted as art by more than one source.  Trustworthy sources or not, it hurts a little.  You might struggle to see the "art" in a non-fiction book about how to be a better manager, but I would think it is pretty easy to make the connection to a piece of fiction. Even if you don't, I can't help the fact that I have the desire to create.  Writing is my main lover, of course, but I dabble in other things as often as possible.  Or, at least, as often as the inspiration strikes.

For instance, did you know I play 5 instruments?  Yeah, I don't play for audiences, but I played piano quite well, played trombone in Elementary and Jr. High school bands, played violin in Elementary Orchestra, and in college I took guitar so that I could learn how to play.  From there I taught myself more guitar and eventually tenor saxophone.  Why?  Because it was creative and inspiring.

Did you also know I've created visual art?  Yeah, they are terrible, but they got out the bugs.  I have worked a little to learn to draw - not very well, but I know the concepts - and I've made things with my hands.

And don't tell me crafting isn't an art if you're not following a pattern. It certainly must be!  It feeds my creative soul when I am not writing.

Whatever your passion, as long as you feed it and strive to express yourself creatively, I consider you an artist.  Congrats.  You're one of us!

And I, for one, love you! (even when I don't agree with you...)

Venting

Well, I'll probably eventually get caught for this and it's possible I'll hurt someone's feelings, but I just have to vent some frustrations in my day.

A Little Background Information
I've been designing webpages for independent artists.  Trying a little to make a business of it, but I realize it's slow going for multiple reasons.  I charge very little both because I realize some of the best indie artists have no money and because I am driven by passion for independence more than money.  I have a huge place in my heart for independent artists (visual, musical, writers, etc)...

But They Can Be Difficult To Work With
Despite the fact that I currently consider myself an independent artist, I sometimes cross paths with one that has me banging my head against the desk daily.

I used to spend hours upon hours writing code from scratch, then using CSS templates, but still spending hours to tweak the code until the the columns, boxes, padding, font size, and backgrounds were more to my liking.

I feel that because I don't charge very much, I'm completely justified in copping out to Wordpress these days.  (Besides, I am still a writer and taking time out of my own writing to work on these web pages and I'm not really getting paid enough to quit my day job so to speak.)  Wordpress, of course, limits one on exact design layout and a few other niggly little things I used to stick in my web pages (iFrames, for starters).  There is good reason for those changes, but it limits my creativity nonetheless.

I like doing web pages because I feel creative.  I think I do a decent job writing the blurbs and the sales pitches (90% of those writing moments are left to me).  I enjoy visual art, but I'm not a painter or sculptor so I enjoy working with colors, layouts, images, and other physical attributes.

Sometimes, the artist I'm working with wants to have a say in all of those things as well...

I'm Hitting my 'Patience' Wall
A couple of years ago, I worked with this lovely lady who is crusading to help bipolar and depressed women.  At least, that was her platform. Then it was bullying, it appears, and now it's every level of depression and suicide.

Well, because they (her and her speaking partner) are picking up steam with their speaking engagements, have made come international contacts, and feel they would like a new direction, I've been asked to revamp the webpage from top to bottom.

So I'm completely rebuilding the page for this client because we are moving hosting companies and of course there is the transfer from CSS to Wordpress. At our first meeting, she handed me a screen cap of her old web page with scratches made through most of it, circling a page here and there, and adding her own text in between.

Problem one, she wants me to keep this and add that, but now we have a wordy, convoluted mess.  I work it, edit, reword, move around, and choose careful wording to remain concise, but she comes back and says she wants this word and that word added back into it.  My words cover what she's saying, but she needs those words in it.  So now we have run on sentences listing synonyms as though each word is a new idea.

Then she talks to other people, none of them professionals (neither am I, of course, but I've built well over a dozen pages from scratch back in the old days of HTML, each time using a new technique to create something interesting and giving each page its own personality).  The feedback she's getting is from the guy who writes children's books and the other guy who built a writing club web page which is dry, unfocused, and generally boring using Word Press and no other web pages to my knowledge.

After those consultations, she'll throw more emails at me.  D said this.  M said that.  Well, their information contradicts so what do you want?  Or sometimes it doesn't contradict, it's just more information.  I'm glad you took a seminar about how to use Google Stats and meta tags.  I feel like adding more and more and more and more is just creating a mess!  I can't worry about stats until we have a solid webpage built that isn't going to change every time someone comes back to find information they noticed last time they were there!

 She also goes around online and when she sees something she likes, she sends it; sometimes forgetting to mention what she likes about it, but more often than not, showing me something like 10 different ways she wants her menu.  Seriously?  Pick ONE.  Or two and I'll give you a couple options so you can pick one.  Because frankly you can only have one menu.

I had a design I thought was perfect.  On the landing page, you have a short menu at the side, an image up front, and a brief statement that says "If you're here because you're depressed, we can help" (only it says it way better).

D says they don't want anyone to have to scroll to find the initial information so I should have a top bar menu.  Okay.  You didn't have to scroll, but you want a top bar menu?  Fine.  I make a top bar menu.  Now she has used Word to create a document saying she wants the page to look like this (more or less):  Top inch, web page name.  Below that, their 3 inch logo.  Under that, a their tagline.  Beneath that, the menu bar, then below that, a video to introduce themselves and then, finally, the statement saying why they're here.

So now the menu is about halfway down the page on my large monitor and the video of them is cut off so you have to scroll down to see it.

Meanwhile with first menu I did, the side menu was high enough that it ended before halfway down the page, then you hover and it drops down a the sub menu and sub sub menus.  Now the drop downs will cover the video.  No harm done, I suppose, but on a smaller screen you are going to be scrolling down.

So what the hell was so wrong with the first one I did??

Last week she called on the phone.  We played a little phone tag because I was pretty busy that day, but when we talked, she said she wanted to change up the menus a bit.  I grumbled internally, but saw that a little rearranging of the dozen pages I already created would do the trick.

Then over the weekend, she sends the file with the suggested page layout (which I don't like, btw, but it's not about me) and below that, 3 pages of suggested menu items.

It means totally deleting about 8 pages I already researched and created.

It also means creating about 8 new pages of information which she described only as "include reviews, cost and email request" or "Step 1. I want to Recover", "3 stages of recovery" and things like that.  I told her she needed to research that information herself, but again with the... Seriously?  You're the "expert" on the subject, but you are just giving me page names and expecting me to create content?  Research for you?

And then I think what happens when I create those 8 pages and then someone else says she should do it differently?  She'll drop 5 pages and ask for 5 new ones, I suppose.

I keep telling her she needs to focus and solidify her decisions.  She thinks she has, but then is easily swayed by someone else's thoughts.  So I think we've got direction, then the rug is pulled out and I have to crochet a new one.

Grrr

All whilst trying to prep 3 novels in hopes I can grapple myself an agent or publisher, editing a 4th so I feel ready to pitch it, and I don't remember the last time I got to write anything new on that 5th novel which I have completely outlined.  Since writing the new stuff is what makes a writer feel alive, it's rather disheartening every time my work is discounted and I'm asked to create all new work.

From writing to feminism - thoughts for today

I was off to a wonderful start in September.  I wrote every day.  Then a big project came up and I got very little written for a few days.  Went back to it, then some stress from every day life made me lose focus.  It's easy to say "write every day!" but it's so hard to do.

Now here are the unpopular words.

I notice that a lot of the time when someone advocates writing every single day no matter what, it tends to be men.  Going off traditional roles and stereotypes (because sometimes I can't help myself!) I notice that it's mainly men who seem to find that kind of time every day.  They also say it's easy to write a book in the evenings after work.

What I'd like to know from the men who say this specifically is who does your laundry?  Who cleans the bathroom at your house?  Who picks up after you and keeps the kids quiet while you're writing?

Yet I know many writers with families.  I can think of one in particular where both people in the couple want to write.  She makes time for him to write and he plays on the computer instead.  He never makes time for her to write.

I've only come across two female writers in my life who have a spouse, kids, and a job.  One of them take months or years to complete a novel.

We look at this like it's a long process, then feel shamed because (and half the time it's men!) will say something like they can whip out a novel in a month.  One of the guys in my writing group says he goes from planning to completion in two weeks and that it shouldn't take too much longer if you plan well.  Excuse me, sir, but you are single, you are retired, and you don't have any kids visiting.

The point I'm getting around to; there is a certain amount of shaming from both other writers and people who don't write at all.  They all want you to whip up a novel and have it perfect, ready for viewing in a month or two and figure if you just toss out a few queries, you'll have that income so stop complaining about money already and just do it.

My experience
It may be different to other experiences.  I actually still have it pretty easy. I am responsible for keeping the house in a reasonable level of lived-in-but-not-cluttered state.  There are the usual laundry, dishes, and cleaning for which I am responsible.  Despite having a great kid who can help clean and is quite responsible, the one place I've fallen short is allowing her and my husband to think I'm the cleanup fairy.  Every day I walk around the house picking up garbage, putting dishes in the sink, wiping up little messes made, and that sort of thing.

The other major responsibility is thinking about everything that no one else wants to think about.  When anything goes south (and because our household income is modest, everything that isn't planned ahead of time such as car repairs, sick pets, and leaky faucets become "south") I'm the one who researches, fixes, comes up with answers, and makes the decision.  I try to involve the spouse, but he responds with "I don't know" and heads off to work.

This is actually a female epidemic.  Do you wonder why most receptionists are women?  Because women see the holes and are willing to fill them up.  Men just say "I don't know" and hand it off.  I've observed this a lot over the years.  It's not just women stuck to cleaning the house.  Even in the supposedly equal working world, they are the ones picking up the pieces because men don't seem interested in that little bit of extra work.  Pass it off rather than follow through.

Disclaimer: I realize this isn't always true of the male/female dynamic.  I'm not a man hating beast who always pigeon holes the roles, but I really have had a lot of situations to observe between receptionist roles at male dominated companies, working in more female dominated companies, and living in a subculture where stay-at-home mom is much more highly encouraged (and working moms are shamed more than typical)

What Inspires Me: Or How to End Up Immortalized in a Novel

People think I'm shy.  I don't think I am.  I think I'm observing.  I pick up as much information as I possibly can because I put it all into a big bowl, shake it up, then dump it out when I write.  I didn't actually intend for my first heroine to remind my sister of this one friend I had in high school.  She just came out that way.  I wasn't looking to recreate my friend's apartment building as the apartment building of the main character's friend in my second book, but it's what I saw in my head and it worked really well for the outdoor scenes I planned.  That pain I felt after my Dad died?  Yeah, that ended up in the pain a character felt for another loss.  It's all there, bleeding on the page; what I think about you, my life, and the world at large.

So, basically, if you do something stupid, funny, or interesting, you may end up immortalized.

Also, I was challenged on Facebook to put 7 sentences from page 7 of my current work.  I don't do those memes on Facebook ever for a variety of reasons, but for kicks, here they are.

“H.P. Lovecraft.”

“Nobody dances sober,” we both began in unison, then grinned widely as we finished together, “unless they happen to be insane!”  We laughed for a moment before he spoke again.  “Have you ever heard of us?”

I shook my head. “I’d like to hear more bands, but since I’m stuck at Titus most weekends my options are limited.”

“Are you a waitress?”

One reason I didn't want to participate is that the person who challenged me had a long description. Those can be lifted from a work and still sound good. Me? My strength is dialogue. Descriptions are a way to make the reader sense physical aspects of my works, but long paragraphs of description don't suit me. Posting a few lines of dialogue seem pointless. I didn't begin with the first sentence on page seven. Instead I skimmed until I found seven sentences that sort of went together.

Another reason is that page seven isn't the beginning and it isn't where the most interesting bits are. A good writer grabs you on page one. A great writer has you unable to put the book down by page ten. Not every word of pages one through ten can be attention grabbers or you'd be sick of the book by page ten. I feel like page seven isn't much of a statement of my work.

Here's one of my favorite conversations near the beginning of this one

“What is it with women and chest hair?”

“You either have too much or not enough,” Peter said.

“Can we talk about something other than chest hair?” Cynthia asked with disdain.

The guys all looked at each other, then sipped at their drinks or picked at some food.  Finally I looked to Peter.  “Well, are we talking about a monkey chest?”

“I only have a little hair,” Peter replied.

Cynthia clicked her tongue.  After a second I leaned toward Peter.  “I think we’re going to have to see it.”

Without coaxing, Peter jerked his shirt up to his neck revealing all including a nipple ring and a dragon tattoo on his pectoral.  All the guys looked, but Cynthia turned away.  “It’s like a soul patch,” I remarked, looking at the triangle of straight black hair.  I stared a moment longer.  “Wow.  You have the most perfect man nipples I’ve ever seen.”

Wolf and Sir Gay laughed. Peter smiled. “Behold my man-nipple!” he said so loudly that the other patrons looked our direction.

That last line is lifted directly from someone I know who used to show off his nipples at every opportunity. It was hilarious every time.

The rest of that was from other conversations I've had about chest hair or my own imagination.  One never knows what will be and what will not be until one writes it down.  And then edits it.  Like a good actor, you could end up on the cutting room floor.

Writing is fun!

3 Things a Writer Would Love to Hear

Well, that's about right.  I extracted the poison, wrote a ton, fixed things, made it brilliant, then hit the next spot and that voice in my head said "You know everything you're adding is banal garbage, right?  Also, what are you going to do with that last 100 pages?  Turn it into a second book?  HA!  Can't be done."

Thanks brain.

So I bring you another list.

Yesterday, I detailed 5 things I wish people would stop asking me.  It made me realize that there are other things I would love to hear when I tell people I write.

3 Things a Writer Would Love To Hear

1. I love to read!  Who are your favorite authors?

If you ask a budding, aspiring, or literally any writer this question and they cannot answer it at all, then I give you my permission to think of them as a jackass for using valuable publisher and agent resources for their own selfish and lame gains.  I have no respect for a writer who doesn't read!

That said, a hem and haw is okay because it's hard to choose just one!  Let's discuss me for a moment.  I love Chuck Palahniuk, Haruki Murakami, Bret Easton Ellis, Patricia Highsmith, Sara Waters, Oscar Wilde... and more and more and more!  Have you read any of them?  Let's discuss!

Meanwhile, it's fantastic that you read Stephanie Meyer.  I kinda don't care because I haven't.  Yeah, she might be successful, but you can't make that matter to me.


2. Who/what inspires you?

I'm inspired by the music I listen to (like my reading, it runs around the world and back again), news articles, and sometimes by a perfect picture.  (Sometime I see "The Lady of Shallot" by Waterhouse in my head when my character is conflicted and forlorn).  As well as the novels I read and other authors - though I'm not much of an author groupie.  I'm on my own journey and their journey matters very little to my own unless it involves advice on how to get there.

There are many ways in which an author can be inspired, but if they are any good at all, they are likely excited to talk about their favorite writers or artists.

I can't speak for other writers, but for myself, I also read differently.  When I read, I read from a writer's perspective.  I've discussed this endlessly with my husband, a prolific reader who has little to no interest in being a writer, and others and have come to realize that I look at a book differently.  So when I grumble at Stephen King, it's not jealousy.  It's disinterest in his story telling style.  When I say I haven't read Harry Potter, it's because it's not my thing, not because I'm judging its success.



3.  I bet you're really good!

Lie to me, please.  I know you know nothing about my writing, but if you can just remind me that I'm smart and interesting, it helps me write more!

5 Things You Should Not Say To Your Friend Who is a Writer

Conclusion: I think it's poison.


So, I get comments a lot and questions a lot.  I've read so much damn information on the internet, it makes the brain contort into a monkey shaped crayon.  I don't expect others to go read all that information, however, so I've compiled a list.  People love lists on the internets these days!

5 things you should not say to your friend (or new acquaintance) who is a writer. 

1. Are you published?

No, but that doesn't make me any less of a writer.  Writing isn't just putting a few words to paper.  It's letting the voices tell you their stories, spending hours conceiving, planning, and executing ideas.  It's telling a detailed story.  Most importantly, it's being able to finish what you've started.  I began writing as a youngun', but I never could finish an idea until high school.  After that, it still became difficult.  It took practice, practice, practice to learn that skill.  That's not true for everyone, but I guarantee everyone who is an author had some skill they had to practice and hone in order to consider themselves legitimate.  Publishing is not the line distinguishing between a "real" writer and a dabbler.  Publishing isn't even the goal for some authors.  I realize that by calling myself a writer instead of an aspiring writer makes it hard to distinguish between one who is published and one who isn't, but how do I distinguish myself between someone who has an idea and has written a few paragraphs one weekend from one who has been working on it as an artistic craft for as long as she can remember?  A painter is a painter because they paint, not because they have sold paintings.  Why is a writer supposed to be labeled differently when they are artists with words?

Actually, this question doesn't bother me quite as much as the follow up which is either an expression indicating that I am not a "real" writer or another question such as "Why not?" which basically indicates if you finish a novel and then call a publisher and say "Hey, I'm done," then that's all there is to it.  So I'll address that next:


2. Why not?

What the layman doesn't understand is that it's not about the value or quality of the work.  Getting published (unless you know someone who knows someone) is about the value and quality of a 1 page query letter "please please please request to read my novel.  You get thousands of queries a day, but mine is special, I swear!" followed by the value and quality of a 2 page synopsis "I told my story in 350 pages, but in 2 pages I'm supposed to give you a summary that makes you realize what's unique about my story!"

In some cases it's about winning a contest.  That's fantastic and all, but have you ever watched American Idol?  You know how there are a dozen people on that show and they're all great?  Then they narrow it down to 3 and really, how are you supposed to choose?  They're all pretty amazing!  There are many people in this world who can't sing at all and you start out with a dozen great ones, then eventually pick the 1 that is the best in many ways including appearance, showmanship, and outfits.  They aren't looking for the next act that changes the way we see music, though.  They want someone who sings well, offends no one, and who will be a pop star.  This is what I refer to as beige.  They are looking for someone beige - they go with everything and have a way of hiding the dirt just a little bit.  JK Rowlings is a pop star for novelists as is Stephanie Meyer.  I aspire to be Radiohead or Smashing Pumpkins - not everyone gets it, but those who do are my kindred spirits!  I am those voice for those who are on the outside and just feel like they never see things the way "everyone else" seems to see things.

Maybe I'm flattering myself, but I'm in that top dozen people, not that top one.  I don't see myself winning any contests, but being in the top dozen is still pretty good.  Do I deserve to be passed over for publication because I'm not that top 1 of all the thousands of writers out there?  I think if we did that, there wouldn't be enough books for the voracious readers and only a few voices would be heard in a world where everyone wants to be unique.


3. I have an idea for a novel!  Maybe I should write it.  (Or maybe you should write it for me!)

Actually, this one is an interesting conundrum to hear.  My first response is "Yes!  You should!"  Initially as a reader, I figure you might have something interesting to say.  Right after that, though, the devil pops in and say "Then you might understand how hard it is to get from beginning to end, edit, share with others and take harsh criticism, and basically see the other things on this list I go through in order to feed the demon that is my dream."

Everyone seems to have an idea.  Whether it be a novel or a memoir, I don't doubt everyone has something interesting to say.  Meanwhile, I've got 5 novels at varying points of completion, 5 more ideas percolating, and dozens of voices who converse in my head without my consent.  Ideas are clearly not my problem.


4. Can I read something?

Don't say this unless you mean it.  Also, if you have editorial skills, please say this!  I love having diverse eyes read my work, but I also don't want to give it to someone who isn't as excited to read it as I am to have it read and receive feedback.

Honestly, I know the reason I'm really getting asked this question.  Because you want to read my work so you can feel superior in the knowledge that I'm not as good as Stephen King.  Well, a) Stephen King has an editor and b) don't think you can do better unless you've done it.  The only friends who are allowed to judge me have thus far been nice enough not to and have actually been supportive of my work (even though I've read theirs and they are super-talented, putting me to shame!)


5. What's it about?

Well, the first problem is when you say 'it', I don't really know what you mean.  The one I'm in the middle of writing?  The one I just finished?  The one I'm editing?  All my works?  I'm not quite sure what people really want to know when they ask this question because they don't seem that interested in the answer.  I've tried a simple "Suspense" or "Romance, but not bodice ripper" and I've tried giving them a brief summary.  I've tried telling a cute anecdote from the pages as well as vaguely saying "It varies"  No matter what answer I give, the recipient most often follows up with other questions that are just as frustrating.  If I say suspense, they say "Like Stephen King?".  Well, he's horror and also sort of a pop star.  Not what I'm aspiring to write.  If I say "Romance", the ask about the sex.  If I say it's not that kind of romance, they seem relieved.  See, I don't write the bodice rippers, but don't harsh on them, man.  They are the best selling novels around and if I was doing it for the money, I'd make mine ALL sex so I could get PAID.

Sometimes I give a little summary, but the thing is, everyone is different and what I write may not be the kind of thing you like to read.  That's okay!  I'm aware of this fact.  If that's the case, I'm not writing it for you.  In fact, you may be my friend, but I'm still not writing it for you.  I'm writing it for me and anyone else who gets it.

I think I'd like to follow this up with things to say to a writer and maybe something about how to end up in one of my novels.  Check back soon!

Writing progession

I started this as a Facebook status update, but then I realized I have much to say on the subject.  I think later I'd like to know where I was from time to time in order to remind myself that progress has been and will be made!

Currently, I am rewriting the first novel I have made any *real* attempt to sell. (There have been many attempts, but focus and moxy are things in me which still require growth.)  I had an idea that I'm convinced will make it better.  I hope so!  I felt I had it perfect so it is a bit unnerving to go back to it.

You see, several years ago after finishing my first novel* I began to make some changes.  I thought it would add to the suspense and intrigue, but instead of fertilizing it, I felt as though I had poisoned the tree.  I still plug away at that one a bit at a time and eventually will repair all the damage (I am well beyond half way, so there is hope!) and somewhere inside of me I know that when it is finished, it will be the best it has ever been.  It's just a struggle right now.

I have many ideas and many beginnings throughout the years.  Each requires its own set of experiences and mind-set to explore.  I wonder if going back is the opposite of growth.  I wonder if I'm a good enough writer to have anything worth while.

I may have mentioned this before in my blog.  I tried not to be a writer for a while.  After a few years I realized I had become an extremely prolific fan-fic writer.  I love those fandom days and would not trade them for the world, though I see my current work as growth from there so I do not wish to revisit those days.  Then I wonder if revisiting these other novels is also a step back.

Meanwhile, I have a third one which started out as a bit of fun, but the voices are so interesting and spunky to me that I think I need to clean it up and share it.  I know I enjoy reading it and so did my spouse.

Then there is the fourth one which I have rewritten three different ways and keep changing.  It brings in my interest in history, but right after I started it, my friend asked me to help proof read her novel and now I feel like mine's a joke.  I mean, she is really talented, rather brilliant, and probable more entitled to get somewhere with her writing than I.

Then there are the other beginnings that don't have completed ideas.  Some days I think I'm stalling on selling because I would love to just write and write, then sell it all at the end.  Other times I think maybe if I could sell some and get a little feedback, it would help me usher these other ideas to their proper seats.

I was doing very well at writing every day until last Thursday.  Now it seems there have been obstacles every day.  I have a lot to get done today, yet I write a blog in my spare minutes rather than my book.  What is up with that?  I need a breath mint for my brain!

* Wait.  Wouldn't that be my second?  I finished the one I started in middle school, but have thrown that all out. OH!  And then there was the second one, but I didn't finish that.  And the third, but I have that idea at the back of my head to start over from scratch.  I guess it would have been the first one that made me think about selling my works instead of just writing them for myself and my friends.

How the government creates ROAD RAGE!

I'm actually a really patient driver.  I used to be a road rager (On a 1-10 scale, probably up around 8 so I considered myself reserved in comparison to the nines and tens out there), but something came over me and I realized I couldn't let traffic hurt my psyche, energy levels, and non-driving life any more so I worked at it and now a bad day is when I get to about 5.  (Plus I think of the whole children-starving-in-Africa thing to remind myself that this isn't really a problem)

Except Sandy and Midvale seem to be working together to create road rage. (Children may be starving in Africa, but I have to live my life right here.) I live somewhere off the upper left side of this map.  My daughter's school is somewhere off to the right.  During the hours she is going to or from school, all those YELLOW areas are ORANGE (meaning slow, but still moving).  Note also that the dark red doesn't mean slow, it means the road is actually closed completely in most situations.  Oh, and High Point Parkway?  It has both directions sharing one side of the road and they close it down completely whenever it's convenient for them.  They don't even have that marked as a construction zone so there are probably others that aren't marked. (click to enlarge)

HOW THE FUCK am I supposed to get home?  Without road rage, that is.  Because you have flaggers in all those orange areas.  It wastes our gas and our time.  It would be one thing, too, if this hadn't been going on FOR THE LAST SIX MONTHS!  Yeah, they started before the kids got out of school and most of those zones started as soon as the snow began to melt in February or March.  (The area at the very top of the map has been going FOR MORE THAN A YEAR!  and happens to be in the way of getting to a friend's house.)

1300 East was totally rebuilt, repaved, and "beautified" just two years ago.  Last year, they chopped into the gutters and sidewalks to put in the grates and curb cuts they didn't do when they undertook the huge project.  Now they are putting new piping for utilities under the road.  Really?  You had no idea those were getting outdated?  Also, they took out all the left turn lanes to "beautify" with islands and trees.  Had they left the turn lanes, they could keep straightway traffic going by laying the new pipes under the turn lane.  Instead, they are pulling up the lanes of traffic beside those islands... but in a lot of cases they are pulling out the trees they planted just 2 years ago so that they have some place to park their trucks and other construction vehicles.  As bad as it is for me, I'm glad I don't live in the huge apartment complex or the neighborhoods right in the middle of this map.

WHAT! the FUCK!  It is impossible and seems endless.  Their webpage says the one that has been going over a year should be finished by April 23.  Of what year?  Because they are still working on it.

GAH!  I am just beyond words at this point.  Again, if it was a continuing project that I felt they were working to complete, that would be one thing.  Instead this has been going on for months and driving past it daily, I don't see ANY progress.  It looks the exact same every damn day.  FOR MONTHS!

I remember when I was a new driver, they did small sections, big crews, and did start to finish it a few days or, worst case, a few weeks.  Then they moved on.  Instead, keep in mind, all those green bits of road are still filled with cones and barricades to remind you to narrow down so from a driver's perspective, it's never ending.  They're also working on bits of 13th farther north and south of here so if you want to avoid construction, you cannot use one of the main roads throughout the valley ANYWHERE along the way.  Each construction crew looks like 2-3 guys doing the work so I'm thinking they broke up the task by jobs - tearing up the road, digging, hauling, repaving, etc and that each group is scheduled after the previous is done so there is probably a waiting period in between each part of the job.  This drags it out eternally.

I expect you have guys sitting in an office planning the road construction on a piece of paper and forgetting that they should be planning it as if they lived in the neighborhoods nearby and had to deal with it day in and day out.  Puny brained.

That awful feeling when...

...Your spouse is totally taking you for granted and ignoring you so you tell him you feel neglected and he agrees he can see that it's true, but seems to think that now you've got it off your chest, he can totally ignore you again so you just want to call someone and cry for a minute, but you don't have friends you can do that with so you're pretty much alone and realize you always will be.

Ethos

It's becoming quite a pass time for me to watch documentaries on Netflix.  I admit that.

Well over a year ago, I was told Ethos was *the* documentary to show us the truths of America at this time.  Now I've finally seen it and I just shake my head.

First off, was most of this not common knowledge?  "Imagine a nightmare scenerio where big business controls the government."  Obviously the documentary is not going to show me how that's what we're living.  Well, obviously, kids.  It's called Free Market economy.  You try to show us how things were changed in the past to make this true, but the reality is, it's always been the case.  If you don't like it, open your own business.  That's the message this capitalist society was built upon.

Now, I'm not denying all the facts of this film.  There are actually a lot I know from other more reliable sources *are* facts, but it's interesting that those things are not covered within this film because the message is not to trust the media or government without question... yet you expect us to
listen to you.  Without question.  It's sort of like taking up smoking to give up alcoholism or becoming Lutheran because you think the Presbyterians believe in God too much.

If you are talking to a society that listens to the media and blindly follows because they make their unsupported points with determined gusto and by making incendiary comments, then I suppose the way you sell them *your* bill of goods is to be incendiary and make your points without bothering to provide supporting information

The problem is I question the government and the media already and I try not to be influenced by commercials (but know the reality is there is not 100% escape if you live within the realms of society) so I hear your message, but all I can think is that you are just as weak in your arguments as they are in theirs.  It was a soft blow, to say the least.

I'm fascinated by the number of these anti-government/media/corporation documentaries are narrated or voiced by foreigners.  One of those "without question" things I've noticed is that people think those from other countries (specifically English speaking) should be taken more seriously.  Those who want to seem sensitive and intelligent tend to pick up that Americans are arrogant, therefore we must be self-loathing which leads to the idea that other countries "have it right" and are doing things in a better way.  Is that why these films often have a European accent lilting through their dialogue?

The part of this film I think they have right is pointing out that we can support companies we believe do the right thing by buying from them and shunning those we don't agree with by not consuming their products.  however, this is an infinitely complicated problem.  Can we decide if the farmer Dan's buys its eggs from is morally better than the one who sells his eggs to Harmon's?  I recommend buying locally when possible, but let's be realistic.  We're all struggling financially so sometimes the low cost of goods outweighs the desire to be perfect in every purchase.

I resent this documentaries claim that that makes us "obedient consumers" and argue that it means our lives are way more complicated than some Hollywood dude who spoke in the film and your bunch of film makers -- who will, frankly, make money off of this documentary for years to come -- understand.  Forgive me if I don't think you really understand the complicated thought process of a regular family who works the daily grind and can't rely on our "art" to pay the bills.

I just felt that, overall, it wasn't eye opening or ground breaking and before taking their word for it, you should question and research every word they say because it's not so cut and dry.  Not in the slightest.

I also feel like a lot of the documentaries these days are lacking hard hitting evidence and that the film makers believe we are following blindly.  I think "people" are blind, but a person knows what he or she is doing.  I think sometimes people are misinformed or confused, but I also think most people are just overwhelmed.  They aren't burying their head in the sand as this documentary claims, it's that their lives are so much more complicated than the decisions "they" want us to make and we have many many more factors than are being explored.

Blackfish

What a sad, sad "documentary".  We watched it as a family and found it enlightening, but definitely took it with a grain of salt.  When a film uses a lot of obviously old footage and the story seems very one-sided, I don't assume this means that the issue is cut and dry, one side is clearly wrong, the side making the "documentary" is right.

I put quotations around documentary because it seems that this is the accepted description for films these days that are definitely biased.  I feel like the History Channel often shows documentaries - films stating facts without drawing opinions.  They may not get the viewership of a Michael Moore "documentary", but they are DEFINITELY more accurate, honest, and educational.

And yes.  I do believe it is Michael Moore who is the main culprit of ill-informed, biased films. I hate to go so far as to say propaganda, but seeing as how his films have a clear direction and can be misleading while holes can be pierced through his "truths", I suppose propaganda is the right word.

Now we have Netflix who conveniently streams these "documentaries" into our lives and sadly as I talk to people, it seems they take it all as fact and forget the fact that each film maker has an agenda.  Whoever made 'Blackfish' seems to be the same agenda we've heard a thousand times before.  We can't have aquariums or zoos because no matter what, placing animals in captivity is cruel.

THAT AGENDA completely dismisses the fact that humans learn about animals and humans from captivity.  They forget that the only reason they know the things they know to argue AGAINST captivity were learned because of animals IN captivity.  So our kids won't learn NOT to put animals into captivity if there are no animals in captivity.  Interesting dichotomy, no?

Of course, this is not why we should have animals in captivity.  Frankly, I am probably with the majority of people who doesn't think it's right, but who also doesn't think it's wrong.  I think zoos, aquariums, and other animal facilities have made incredible strides in my lifetime to make the situation better.  Without PETA and other animal activist groups (whose agenda is usually to CLOSE all facilities) those improvements would not come about so we need the people who say it's wrong in order to make things right.

Follow me?

Well, Blackfish is likely to push SeaWorld and other animal captivity facilities to make more improvements so that's a good thing.  In the meantime, we are now in a world where everyone feels educated (often more than they actually are*) and we have the internet to boost those feelings.  I keep hearing people talk about Blackfish as though they think it's an honest portrayal.  Notice the number of happy, current employees on the documentary being allowed to speak their mind?  Now how many former employees were represented?  Sure, they don't work there anymore so we think they are free to be more "honest", but how do we know they aren't disgruntled?  We have know way of knowing that for sure.

*before I get slapped for that remark, I will gladly admit that I am probably not as smart as I think I am.  Or observant.  I'm also not a very good friend, but that doesn't mean I can't see when someone else is doing it wrong.

I've let the documentary digest for a while.  My kid came home from school and said the kids at school have talked about it, but we have explained to her why we felt the film was one sided.

The other day, I read that Bindi Irwin signed on as the new SeaWorld amabassador.  People flipped out, saying her father would roll over in his grave.  Don't you think he did a better job than that of teaching his children?  My first thought was that -YAY- we would have someone with clout (granted through her father's legacy, but people will listen!) to find out the truth and to be an educated facilitator to improve things that need improving.

This brought up the whole thought of the film being propaganda in my mind.  Now I feel a little ashamed, though, because that's the word SeaWorld used.  Again, we are seeing a biased view, but take some time and read through that article completely.  If you think they are lying 100% to respond to 'Blackfish' being 100% true, then I think you have fallen into the trap the makers of 'Blackfish' hoped for in thinking that as long as they publicized the first view, every response would be seen as a lie.  This, unfortunately, is where media takes us.

However, if you watched Blackfish and thought the actions were reprehensible, then to be an educated human being, it is only fair that you take in Truth About Blackfish and keep certain facts in mind.

~SeaWorld along with other zoos, aquariums, and animal facilities around the world spend millions to aide in conservation efforts.  Without those dollars, where would conservation be?  Interesting question I may research later: Do groups like PETA spend more or less on conservation than on campaigns to close zoos, aquariums, etc?  If their income is smaller or larger than those facilities, how does the percentage spent on conservation efforts compare to the percentage spent on promoting the closing of facilities and ending educational and conservation efforts of other groups?

~SeaWorld is hugely educational.  Yes, what some people see are performing monkeys.  What other people realize are the capabilities of other species.  Do you think people back in the 1700s were remotely capable of understanding that?  No.  Because they had no way of seeing what these animals could do.

~If the ex-employees cared so deeply for these animals, why quit, wait for a documentary to be made where you can talk about how terrible it is, and then join these groups who are anti-educational (because any group that puts the rights of animals so high that humans can't reach it are, frankly, not interested in education of the future...) instead of standing up for them at the time?  Maybe fear of getting fired, but if you quit, who cares if you get fired?  And if you think the animals are being treated that badly, why would you care more about getting fired than those animals?  And if you did stand up for those animals (which I don't believe), why not mention it the perfect place to defend yourself - a documentary designed to defend the animals?  While you were inside you had a much healthier way to get your point across than some passive-aggressive film, don't you think?

~Listen/read carefully.  The words used are artistic, beautiful.  There is little to no science in art.  It sounds more dramatic to say 'psychotic', but without data from a neuro scientist or (let's face it, SOFT science!) an animal psychologist to confirm that, you're just using artistic words to jump to conclusions.

~I can't say how many decades ago it was, but it was sometime after my parents took me to SW as a child (around 1985), there was an incident with the dolphins.  I can't remember any details, but I do remember it was a call for SW to change its practices.  SW did so immediately.  When I went back in, I think, 1995, things were drastically different.  Again, in 2010 when my family went to the one in CA (not the one where the incident occurred), I noticed how many more changes had been brought about to improve the standards for the animals.  Each time, the habitats became larger, more natural appearing, more education, and more well-kept.

Sidetrack: The same can be said about my local zoo.  If you've ever seen The Last Unicorn, near the end when the spell is removed from all the animals in the cages?  That's what our zoo looked like in the 80s.  I was 5-15 years old and didn't know any better, but now you wouldn't know it EVER looked like that.  The habitats are huge, natural, and I swear you can see the tiger smile these days.  They move around so much more and look relaxed when they sleep.  Now that I have a basis of comparison, I dare say they habitats were small, uncomfortable, and slightly cruel when I was a kid and frankly the trainers could have been abusing them - they always looked edgy.

The world changes and evolves.  It comes with help from one extreme group and great expense to the other extreme, but it does come.  Without either, we don't have conservation, education, or enjoyment of the world beyond our computer screens.  It's just that this format breeds hatred and ignorance.  I don't like that part of it.

SeaWorld says that in the 4 years since the death which Blackfish focuses on, they have worked diligently to make even more improvements.  Bringing things to light helps increase animal satisfaction.  At the same time, the WAY these propagandists bring it about offends me.  Is there not a better way than shaming, publicly lying, confusing people?

Peta says "Don't fall for it."

Don't fall for Peta's propaganda either, okay?  That's all I'm asking.

Basically, I think both 'Blackfish' and 'Truth about Blackfish' are pushing their own agendas.  The truth is probably somewhere in the middle, but how will you know where the middle is if you don't look at both sides as objectively as possible?

Be ruled by your brain, not by your emotions.

Save money!

I don't clip coupons.  Okay, I do, but not to the extent of Extreme Couponing.  I like to save money, but I hate to buy junk.

Recently, it seems everything's going crap.  Of course it had to because our household income increased significantly last November so stuff had to break before we had a chance to catch up from living paycheck to paycheck, right?

First our dishwasher.  We got lucky, though, and got this one

for 44% off retail price.  Woohoo!  And once we sent in for the power company's rebate, that was another $30 in our pocket.  It happened that they had tried to put it in someone's house, but it didn't fit. In the process, the box got lost and there was a scratch and a dent. Yeah, do you see a scratch?  A dent? Nope.  Where it sits, the scratch is barely noticeable and the dent is all but invisible, but those problems added up to HUGE discount.


About 2 weeks ago, we paid off that dishwasher before the "same as cash" period ended so we paid no interest.  Feeling good about that, we should have known it couldn't last.  The washer started feeling lazy.  The next week, the dryer stopped drying.  I've had repairmen out a bunch of times to fix these issues.  It has been mostly the same problem over and over and getting closer together.  At some point, you gotta say "this washer is 17 years old and the dryer is 15.  Do we really call the repairman again?"


Well, today I'm feeling good. They just delivered our new washer and dryer.  This time, we only saved 35%, but then again, best sale I've seen is about 15%.  It's still quite a relief.  Oh, and this time we will get $100 back from power and gas.  Plus they are supposed to be all efficient and stuff to help with utility bills in the future.  We looked all over the place and couldn't even find any decent top loaders for much less ($30 a piece, but doesn't qualify for the $100 cash back so...not worth it.)  I hate white - was hoping for grey (and I was expected to HAVE to get top loaders) but when you're saving about $760, you care a lot less about color.  These ones were floor models, but since they don't hook them up or anything, they're really new.  Also, this one doesn't have a dent.  Our old dryer had this huge dent in the front because it was a floor model, but that worked in our favor because we didn't have a lot of money at that time either.  Too bad you can't get floor models for $200 anymore.  I might have saved money going to this place that does refurbished appliances, but I have trouble trusting "refurbished" and besides, we would have to pay cash.  This way we have 12 months on credit to pay it back.  The other place couldn't give us that.

And 12 months to pay this one before interest kicks in.  I hope we manage. I don't like paying interest if I don't have to...

Penn. man wants to take child from adoptive parents

Adoption in the news

Legally, we need to close the loophole that allows this to happen.  That's the first thing I have to say.  I understand that even though the things I have to say on the subject are going to make it sound like I don't care about this guy's feelings.

But here's the thing.  That baby has known only his adoptive parents for 2 years.  That's pretty formative.  For me, it was also the hardest part of raising a kid so I'm probably biased in saying it's too damned late to take the kid away.  I think that the news is pretty good at portraying the side of the wronged biological father.  They have pretty much always managed to make that side pretty clear and I don't want to discount that side of it, but we all know it.  We hear it.  The question, though, is it better to rip the kid from his parents' arms because you weren't on good terms with the biological mother when she gave up the kid for adoption?  Or for all the months she was pregnant and came to this decision?  I don't particularly care to hyperbolize with the word 'rip', but have you ever taken a 2 year old away from the arms of their parents when they didn't want to go?  For longer than a night of babysitting?

I reiterate, we need to close this loophole!  I've heard people terrified of adopting because they hear these stories.  They don't want to become attached to a child only to have it taken away.  They need to be allowed to feel like that child is their child.  If they have fear that the baby they have just adopted can be taken by a biological parent at any point along the way, it will affect every little action of how they raise and think of that child!  Whether it is in relation to an adopted child or any other experience we have as humans, our responses are, consciously or sub-consciously, going to be affected.  When the only news reports we hear about adoption are related to kids being taken from the only families they know, the result can only be adoptive parents treating their adopted children slightly differently.

Meanwhile, adoptive parents and the children they have adopted have created this family of their own.  A family is love, but it is also knowledge of each other.  Trust.  Being able to predict others' behaviour because we know them that well!  Familiarity.  Comfort.  Attachment.

Yes, a two year old can re-establish those bonds with a new family.  It happens when a young child's parents get divorced, the parents remarry, and they end up liking their step-parents.  It happens when a toddler's parents are killed in a car accident and they go to love with beloved aunts and uncles.  It happens, that is true, but if a biological father loves his kid so much, then shouldn't the thought of what it will do to the child at least cross his mind?  Is it really because it breaks your heart not to see the kid or because you can't let got of something you think you should possess?  If someone steals your car, you want to take them to court, prove it's yours and get it back.  No one thinks about how the car feels, but the victim is likely to say things like "I love that car.  It's my car.  It belongs to me."

Guess what?  A kid is not a car.  Why does the thought never come up that these guys think about that kid's feelings?  Why do we never hear a tale where he's saying "Hey, maybe it's for the best.  I just want to know what's going on in my kid's life.  Maybe some pictures and letters or let me visit as a family friend."  No.  It is always the immediate jump to "I must have my child back."  What are you going to provide that child?  What plans do you have to offer that child more than it is getting right now?  I see how that comes dangerously close to saying that a rich family deserves to keep a kid more than a single poor guy.  I do not believe that.  There is much more to raising a kid than money like love, attention, and desire to have that kid around.  I understand these biological fathers have those things, but sometimes love is about giving the person what they want and what's better for them than about what you want.  Isn't sacrifice the purest show of love?

I also notice the news never asks about what the bio-mom has to say to defend herself.  I fully support the idea that bio-mom's should discuss her plans with bio-dad before making any decisions about the baby, but let's keep something huge in mind.  We want men and women to be treated equally, but they will never really be equal and one of the most defining reasons for that is the ability to get pregnant.  Women know from childhood that this is their contribution and responsibility to the world.  By the time they can have babies, they realize that they have to think about it every time they are with a guy.  Do you think guys spend that much time thinking about what could happen if they fertilize the wrong egg? Of course not.  We've sort of taught our young women that one way they can behave equally to men is to engage in sex as frivolously as they do.  They have the right to be promiscuous without being sluts (let me come back to that comment in a second....) and they do, but a guy never ever ever has to worry about the consequences of a mistake the way a woman does.  At the back of his mind he knows that if he gets her pregnant, he can choose whether or not to be involved in the decision.  A women doesn't get that choice, does she?

Quick tangent on that comment.  The same people who think that a biological parent has more rights over a kid often seems to be the same kind of person who will still call a woman a slut in this age of "enlightenment", but the dude is a playa, not a slut.  He's not a jackass for skipping necessary precautions to avoid pregnancy or, say, skipping the sex altogether.  No, a man doesn't really have to look at it the same way as woman, does he?  I mean, this is a huge issue.

In the story above, we're talking about a young man who is now of legal age who broke off relations with the girl because she was younger than he was first told.  Well, it's not like the age he *thought* she was is particularly upstanding either.  As far as the age argument goes in my world, there isn't a lot of difference between a 40 year old wife and a 53 year old husband, but there is an ENORMOUS difference between an 16 year old and an 18 year old.  Starting high school and thinking about college or a career are two different lives completely.

So you know what, dude?  It is unfair.  It is unjust.  It's unfair to you.  It's unjust to the child.  Still, can you take five seconds to think about how unfair and unjust it will be to the baby if you snatch him from the only parents he has ever known?  Parents who, btw, had a reason for adopting.  Maybe they've had their own struggles.  The idea of adopting your kid didn't come easily to them, you know, and I would like to hear at least one of these guys admit that they have given at least as much thought to taking the kid away, the complexity, the grey area, as the bio-mom who carried it in her womb and contemplated 24/7 for nine months or the people who came to the decision to adopt a child for whatever reason they came to that decision.  Stop and think for a minute.  If you're taking the kid back like a toy someone stole or you are more upset that the chick who gave birth to this baby lied to you than anything else, maybe you need to spend more time thinking about it.

Letting your kid be adopted isn't a reflection that you're a bad person.  It doesn't mean you'll be a bad father someday.  A person isn't selfish because they let that sperm create a great kid and then became less involved in that kid's life.  It actually shows that you are strong, selfless, and humble to be able to forget the law and do what's best for the child.