Penn. man wants to take child from adoptive parents

Adoption in the news

Legally, we need to close the loophole that allows this to happen.  That's the first thing I have to say.  I understand that even though the things I have to say on the subject are going to make it sound like I don't care about this guy's feelings.

But here's the thing.  That baby has known only his adoptive parents for 2 years.  That's pretty formative.  For me, it was also the hardest part of raising a kid so I'm probably biased in saying it's too damned late to take the kid away.  I think that the news is pretty good at portraying the side of the wronged biological father.  They have pretty much always managed to make that side pretty clear and I don't want to discount that side of it, but we all know it.  We hear it.  The question, though, is it better to rip the kid from his parents' arms because you weren't on good terms with the biological mother when she gave up the kid for adoption?  Or for all the months she was pregnant and came to this decision?  I don't particularly care to hyperbolize with the word 'rip', but have you ever taken a 2 year old away from the arms of their parents when they didn't want to go?  For longer than a night of babysitting?

I reiterate, we need to close this loophole!  I've heard people terrified of adopting because they hear these stories.  They don't want to become attached to a child only to have it taken away.  They need to be allowed to feel like that child is their child.  If they have fear that the baby they have just adopted can be taken by a biological parent at any point along the way, it will affect every little action of how they raise and think of that child!  Whether it is in relation to an adopted child or any other experience we have as humans, our responses are, consciously or sub-consciously, going to be affected.  When the only news reports we hear about adoption are related to kids being taken from the only families they know, the result can only be adoptive parents treating their adopted children slightly differently.

Meanwhile, adoptive parents and the children they have adopted have created this family of their own.  A family is love, but it is also knowledge of each other.  Trust.  Being able to predict others' behaviour because we know them that well!  Familiarity.  Comfort.  Attachment.

Yes, a two year old can re-establish those bonds with a new family.  It happens when a young child's parents get divorced, the parents remarry, and they end up liking their step-parents.  It happens when a toddler's parents are killed in a car accident and they go to love with beloved aunts and uncles.  It happens, that is true, but if a biological father loves his kid so much, then shouldn't the thought of what it will do to the child at least cross his mind?  Is it really because it breaks your heart not to see the kid or because you can't let got of something you think you should possess?  If someone steals your car, you want to take them to court, prove it's yours and get it back.  No one thinks about how the car feels, but the victim is likely to say things like "I love that car.  It's my car.  It belongs to me."

Guess what?  A kid is not a car.  Why does the thought never come up that these guys think about that kid's feelings?  Why do we never hear a tale where he's saying "Hey, maybe it's for the best.  I just want to know what's going on in my kid's life.  Maybe some pictures and letters or let me visit as a family friend."  No.  It is always the immediate jump to "I must have my child back."  What are you going to provide that child?  What plans do you have to offer that child more than it is getting right now?  I see how that comes dangerously close to saying that a rich family deserves to keep a kid more than a single poor guy.  I do not believe that.  There is much more to raising a kid than money like love, attention, and desire to have that kid around.  I understand these biological fathers have those things, but sometimes love is about giving the person what they want and what's better for them than about what you want.  Isn't sacrifice the purest show of love?

I also notice the news never asks about what the bio-mom has to say to defend herself.  I fully support the idea that bio-mom's should discuss her plans with bio-dad before making any decisions about the baby, but let's keep something huge in mind.  We want men and women to be treated equally, but they will never really be equal and one of the most defining reasons for that is the ability to get pregnant.  Women know from childhood that this is their contribution and responsibility to the world.  By the time they can have babies, they realize that they have to think about it every time they are with a guy.  Do you think guys spend that much time thinking about what could happen if they fertilize the wrong egg? Of course not.  We've sort of taught our young women that one way they can behave equally to men is to engage in sex as frivolously as they do.  They have the right to be promiscuous without being sluts (let me come back to that comment in a second....) and they do, but a guy never ever ever has to worry about the consequences of a mistake the way a woman does.  At the back of his mind he knows that if he gets her pregnant, he can choose whether or not to be involved in the decision.  A women doesn't get that choice, does she?

Quick tangent on that comment.  The same people who think that a biological parent has more rights over a kid often seems to be the same kind of person who will still call a woman a slut in this age of "enlightenment", but the dude is a playa, not a slut.  He's not a jackass for skipping necessary precautions to avoid pregnancy or, say, skipping the sex altogether.  No, a man doesn't really have to look at it the same way as woman, does he?  I mean, this is a huge issue.

In the story above, we're talking about a young man who is now of legal age who broke off relations with the girl because she was younger than he was first told.  Well, it's not like the age he *thought* she was is particularly upstanding either.  As far as the age argument goes in my world, there isn't a lot of difference between a 40 year old wife and a 53 year old husband, but there is an ENORMOUS difference between an 16 year old and an 18 year old.  Starting high school and thinking about college or a career are two different lives completely.

So you know what, dude?  It is unfair.  It is unjust.  It's unfair to you.  It's unjust to the child.  Still, can you take five seconds to think about how unfair and unjust it will be to the baby if you snatch him from the only parents he has ever known?  Parents who, btw, had a reason for adopting.  Maybe they've had their own struggles.  The idea of adopting your kid didn't come easily to them, you know, and I would like to hear at least one of these guys admit that they have given at least as much thought to taking the kid away, the complexity, the grey area, as the bio-mom who carried it in her womb and contemplated 24/7 for nine months or the people who came to the decision to adopt a child for whatever reason they came to that decision.  Stop and think for a minute.  If you're taking the kid back like a toy someone stole or you are more upset that the chick who gave birth to this baby lied to you than anything else, maybe you need to spend more time thinking about it.

Letting your kid be adopted isn't a reflection that you're a bad person.  It doesn't mean you'll be a bad father someday.  A person isn't selfish because they let that sperm create a great kid and then became less involved in that kid's life.  It actually shows that you are strong, selfless, and humble to be able to forget the law and do what's best for the child.

I wish I was dead.  I never wanted to be alive this long anyway.

Have a cell phone? You're getting ripped off.

Do you have a cell phone?  So does, it seems, everyone.  I know I do and I love the convenience of certain features, but the fact is, we're getting ripped off.

And we're about to get ripped off even more.

I am so frustrated with technology and, currently, the entire wireless takeover, that I am having trouble organizing all my thoughts, so I will begin with:

Creating an expectation
And this really is just the beginning.

Granted, not many people can say they have seen one of these in a functioning capacity for a while:




 But my mom still has one of these on her wall which works just fine:

Meanwhile, these are being turned into kitchen timers and alternate household gadgets, apparently:

But the best I can hope for this:

...is about 3 years.  

We learned early on when we first got our cell phones (even in 2002, we were a little behind the times) that if you tried to make it last any longer, the wireless companies would screw you by no longer providing service to your style of phone.  They are coded with certain receivers and those codes are slowly phased out over time so that, eventually, it is a paperweight whether you made it last or not.  Those television jokes about people using the old brick-sized Motorolla is just that - a joke - because no company will provide service to that phone unless you are more technically savvy than I and have found some way of tweaking it internally to trick them into thinking it is currently recognized.

Those old phones lasted forever and even when cordless came along, you paid about $80 for a decent one that would last 5-7 years and at the very least, it lasted until the phone itself broke.  The companies had not, at that point, figured out how to make your phone obsolete even if you are a frugal, careful person.  Why take care of my phone?  I'm going to have to replace it anyway no matter how much I like it and how much I DISLIKE the replacement.

Of course, that's not much of an issue considering they are made of cheap plastic parts and flimsy frames so that it breaks easily no matter how careful you are.  Women have had to carry junk around in their purse for years so they know how things have to hold together and be made well in order to last.  Normally, men wouldn't carry something as delicate as a glass doll in their pockets, but now they do it every day.  We all toss them around casually as though the screens won't break from a sideways glance and the cases won't fall apart from a 2 foot fall, but the fact is, these are the two main complaints about phones broken within the first couple months of use.  A matchbox car is more durable than a cell phone!

Our phones are basically plastic toys with expensive maintenance plans.  How much did you pay for your last phone?  Was it worth more than a matchbox car?

But it has all these cool things!

Right.  Like a calculator you could buy for $1?  And cameras.  Even the best cameras on a cell phone (which will run you at least $300) are like the low end, $70-$80 cameras in quality.  If you want the best quality for pictures, you have to get a real camera.  Yeah, your phone pics look great on the screen and sometimes even on Facebook at 300 square pixels, but you can't blow it up unto an 8x10 or larger photograph like you can with any cheap camera that costs half as much as your new 'camera' phone.  Additionally, doesn't require data plans nor will it expire or stop working for YEARS.  Granted, these things are handy, but they are handy in the way that free gifts with purchase are sometimes handy.  A calculator and stopwatch aren't exactly expensive high-end technology.  They're just nifty.

Moving up in technology, of course, are things that are more useful, like GPS, but those don't come on stupid phones.  Those are smart phone only features and are often apps which cost money just to add to your phone and again you're looking at $200+ to get a phone like that.  (Even most deals with commitment are at least $100, but don't forget your upgrade fees, taxes, etc so $200 is about what you need to have in expendable cash at any given time).  Once you have a smart phone, you can't get the free-phone deals anymore and you're generally committed to a data plan (unless you are going to go rogue and use wifi, but most companies will make you pay for the data plan to initiate the phone.)

False Discounts

So they get you to sign new contracts every couple of years by offering "discounts" on phones... which means the same as in any other retail endeavor, mark it up so you can mark it down.  The problem is when I go to the grocery store, they've marked up a product approximately 100% (double their cost) so that they can mark it down 10% and still pay overhead.

I don't have a smartphone currently (I'm not against getting one, but I am trying to avoid it...) so let's say I go in to sign a new 2 year contract and get another stupidphone.  I'm now committed to paying about $50 a month for 24 months ($1200, but let's say that's all for services - still, they are pretty much guaranteed to collect that amount from anyone who pays their bill) but I get a phone for $1.  Score?  Sure.  Let's call it that.  Landline service was $24 a month before we got rid of it, but it didn't have fancy features like text and portability.  It did, however, give you the option to cancel at any time.  

But wait!  No more contracts!

Did we really think it would be that simple?  I said immediately when the first company started airing their adverts that they would charge more for the phones in the end to make up for lack of contracts.  Forget rewards for loyalty.  Of course, since it worked for that company, the others are falling in line.  Look at the payments and do some quick math.  By the time you're done, you've paid full price for the phone you used to get at a discount if you just signed the contract.  Since I really, really like my provider, I don't mind signing contracts.  I do mind their "new math", though.  A LOT.

Providers offer "new math" and reps can't fathom reality or choices...
Now, follow along.  This is tricky to explain without the piece of paper the rep used to show us how we are "saving money" with the new deals.

Old plan = you sign a contract and get a discount on your phone.
New plan = you have no contracts, no need to be loyal, no rewards for giving their company your hard earned money, and in exchange, you make payments on your phone, but you can get a new one every 12 months.

Old plan - let's just say for kicks I want an iPhone 64 g.  Let's say the company I am using has it for $700, but if I sign a 2 year, I can get it for $400.  (These are the actual numbers she used last night.)  You pay your upgrade fee bringing your total to $440.  (Now this is where they start to talk fast so you can't interrupt with "and if I don't need that second phone?)  in 12 months, you want a new phone because the newest one is out, or your phone gets lost or broken.  Now you have to buy another at $700, plus another upgrade fee and you've forked out $1180, minimum, over the next year.

BUT!  With the new plan, the exact same phone is only $62 a month for 12 months.  If it gets lost or broken you get a new phone.  That's just $744 which is significantly less than $1180!

So I say; that's assuming you want the latest and greatest phone.  If you don't, then it's a lot more than the $440 to which she responds that it's covered if it gets lost or broken!

Gee... at least the place where I spent hundreds and hundreds for a new stove let me CHOOSE whether or not I wanted the warranty plan.  They let me decide whether I wanted to take my chances and gave me the option to be conservative and cautious so I don't break it in the first 2 years.  Of course, my stove is made of WAY better materials.

These phones - no matter what they do - are plastic pieces of crap.  When else on earth would you walk into a store and willingly spend your money on such flimsy pieces of pocket lint?  I laugh at people online who write reviews of products saying that their new $150 vacuum was made of cheap plastic and not worth the exorbitant cost, but their post gives away that they posted it from a smartphone.

Technology
On top of that, we just got new stupidphones and let me tell you, the technology on those has gone backwards.  Why?  Probably to bully us into smartphones.  This happened at the exact same time Google discontinued its SMS search services... saying that we can just get online to look up addresses and phone numbers.  Not if you don't have a smartphone or any kind of expensive (overpriced - seriously... how much are you charging for a few gigs?  omg!!) data plan.  Thanks a lot, Google.  You are a big bully, too.

Conclusion
I get it.  The companies are in it to make money.  They have a responsibility to their shareholders and they have to make sure the top dogs have enough to buy... what?  What do you buy when you make millions for running a company?  Most of us will never know and that's the nature of capitalism.  The idea is to work harder and smarter and you'll make more money, but the reality is there isn't room for $60 million a year jobs for everyone.  I support capitalism, actually, but only in the purest sense and this country hasn't had pure capitalism for 70+ years.  Slowly, the purity has been corrupted.  I know it's not very popular to admit that I like the idea of capitalism, but I also don't think there is anything wrong with the idea that if you work you have money and if you don't work, you don't.  I do think there is a grey area where we can use tax money to help those who cannot work, but I also think there is a difference between a hand-up and a hand-out...

But I am straying from my point.  I understand companies make more money by getting you to replace their items instead of using it up, wearing it out, and making do. Frankly, we can afford the phones and the plans and all of that... but we can afford things because we don't throw money away on everything so it makes it really hard to pay such a large bill every month for something that is not a necessity like electricity or a luxury that makes you feel safe like better than the cheapest insurance.  I cringe at the satellite bill, too, so it's not phone-exclusive.

At least once a day I consider dumping the cell phone and going back to landline.  The only thing I'd miss is texts and the convenience of my customers being able to contact me while I'm at the mechanic waiting for an oil change.

Is that really worth the expense?

Remind me why I have a cell phone at all?

Pie Obsession

I keep getting stuck in obsession.  I think.  Because I understand that there is a difference between thinking about something a lot and thinking about it obsessively, I find it hard to know when that line gets crossed and frankly, my life is a series of denial that anything's wrong.  The reality is that I almost bled to death due to this determination that nothing is wrong and then afterwards played it off like it was a funny story and no big deal.

So this is about pie.  It's absolutely nothing and yet I have thought about it at least 18 times in the last 24 hours and have had to fight myself not to feel bad because of PIE.  It's pie, for hell's sake.  PIE.

I am in the mood to make pie.  I have been in the mood to make pie for weeks.  Pumpkin pie.  Pecan pie.  Lemon Meringue pie. Blueberry pie.  Some kind of pudding pie I have yet to decide.  I just want to make pie.

What a perfect time of year to want to make pie!  Everyone loves homemade pie at Thanksgiving, right?  And I would take the following personally if I hadn't been complimented on my pies in the past years so many times that I feel secure my pies are delicious.  (And this confidence about the taste of my pies coming from the girl who got good grades in college and writes novels, but can still be convinced she's utterly stupid.)

I have been told that "they like store bought pies better" so I should not bring pie to dinner.  So, I don't want to go to dinner there. Maybe that seems petty, but I've been married to their son for 16 years and I am still not allowed to bring a damned pie to dinner?

I want to make pies.  I make good pies.  Who wants me for Thanksgiving?  Because I'm sure not feeling wanted.

I keep thinking I need to forget about it and do whatever I want, but I cannot stop thinking about it.  I can't stop stressing out about it.  I can't stop thinking that I want to send my family to his family for dinner, cook the pies I want to cook, and then sit on the kitchen floor crying and eating it out of the pan with a fork like the lonely fat kid who lives inside and feeds on this sort of shit.

And it's just PIE.  Could I be upset about something more insignificant?

'Switched at Birth' is about to make me either very happy, or very mad.

Jane and I found this show a few months ago when it hit Netflix with some new episodes.  I took ASL in college, Jane has a deaf friend who has been teaching her so that was the initial appeal.  The next appeal is that even though it is not about adoption, it certainly addresses the issues of what makes a parent quite well.  Yeah, it's idealized and sometimes a little naive, but they have spent some time touching on some of the emotions and situations I've either dealt with or thought about.

Certain things annoy me, but I won't bring them into it unless it really starts to upset me.

Right now SPOILERS! they are addressing parenting through one of the parents who seems to think having a one night stand with a woman gives him the right to take "his" kid back from the parents who adopted him.  One of the daughters opposes it.  Great.  So how will it end?  Either with me happy or mad.  Time will tell.

I must throw this line out there which was spoken which I loved, but it was really about the *way* it was said...  "My parents" and then she hesitates as she realizes what she has said "Are still my parents."

Movies I love: Juno, August Rush
Movies I should probably see: The Odd Life of Timothy Green
Shows I can't watch because it is more likely to make me angry than pleased: Secret Life of an American Teenager

Oh, and I tried the Fosters, but I couldn't get into it.  Meanwhile, I heard there is a problem where one parent treats her birth child differently than her foster kids.  That is probably enough to piss me off right there....

New recommendations

I saw a commercial for Reelz Recommends and thought 'hey, I can do that'.

We read a lot and watch a lot of movies.  The thing is, while he is a little cliche and likes action and comic book movies (I like them, too, just not as much), I don't often go for the romantic comedy chick flicks.  What we watch commonly are independent, foreign, and other non-blockbuster hopefuls.

Generally, when talking to a friend, I get to know things they like and then make recommendations based on that.  Most of the time I think I do pretty well because they don't often come back and say they hated it.  It has happened, but pretty rare.

Not that anyone is even reading this blog, but I am not going to play it safe.  I don't know you, your threshhold for sex and violence, or your personal tastes, but for the sake of saying "I think these things are really, really cool!"  I'm going to recommend just one book and one movie a month.  Once in a while I'll throw in a show that's easily obtained on Netflix, etc.  Also note, when I refer to something, it's probably going to be the things I think are awesome, not necessarily the thing others would use as reference.  You'll get the hang of it.

Kick off.

Survivor by Chuck Palahniuk.  Sometimes people like a link to something familiar, so I will mention he is the author of Fight Club.  I've read a few of his books, but this one holds as my favorite; perhaps because I read it first.  Seriously, give it a shot if you like a dark, twisted satire.

Velvet Goldmine directed by Todd Haynes.  It gets better every time I see it.  Christian Bale (after Swing Kids, but before Batman), Jonathan Rhys Meyers (The Tudors), Ewan McGregor (Life Less Ordinary, Shallow Grave, Trainspotting) Toni Collette (If you haven't seen her yet, you are crazy.  She's done a million awesome things.  This is after Clockwatchers and Muriel's Wedding, but before Dead Girl and United States of Tara)

Smartphone Arrogance.

I'm coining a new term today.  Smartphone Arrogance.  It seems pretty straightforward.  Do I mean the way people show off their smartphones?  Am I talking about the way they have to have the latest and greatest?  What about the way they make a habit of selling last year's model for outrageous amounts because they need the money to buy the newest phone?  Sure, that's the first thing that bothered me.

What followed is the things I knew would annoy me later.  Send out an email and assume everyone will get it in real time because their smart phone will notify them.  Know who has texting and who doesn't.  You might actually be required to call someone and leave a message, but if they don't have a smartphone, at least send a text.  I do not have my laptop tied to my hip.  Of course there are other things; people assuming you have a data plan and can just look things up on the smartphone at the drop of a hat, but on Tuesday, I was caught in a hole because I did happen to see an email that said Jane's game practice was definitely on, but this was sent only minutes before we left the house.  I had a feeling I better check because it had been raining hard off and on all day.  Well, we got to the field, no one was there.  Not a single sole.  It was still raining.  I also could not look up on my phone whether or not it was supposed to clear up.  We left, assuming the lady must have emailed out a cancellation because she sends out these last minute emails frequently.  We get home and it has finally cleared up.  Go back?  We decide not to, but I check email and no cancellation.  Still thinking about going back, but if they were going to be there - 25 girls and 3 coaches, shouldn't SOMEONE have been there?  We usually park at this parking lot where only about half the people park.  This time we parked at the end where the coach normally parks so that we could see him arrive and know for sure.  Not a sign of him anywhere.

After practice, Jane's friend who can be pretty smug sometimes calls and says the coach won't let her play in Saturday's game now because she missed a practice.  WTH?  They can show up late and then blame us for not having smartphones to find out what's up?  Because we never got their phone numbers, only emails as contact info, but they have all of our phone numbers!

I get really really annoyed by smartphone owners a lot.  I feel it's a bit like people who drive huge suburbans.  They lose sight of the fact that there are others on the road and become bullies.  I'm sure if I ever get a smartphone, I'll be prone to the same things, but I am pretty sure I will remember the reality.  If you need someone to know something immediately, call them.  Use phone numbers.  Remember that texting is for things you want people to know soonish, but not necessarily NOW and email is for things that you need people to know eventually.

Plus, don't assume your smartphone is a great way to email because half the time, the email comes into my gmail garbled with ? and most smartphone people are too lazy to use punctuation and frankly, I don't even want to interpret your garbage anymore.

And if you have a smartphone and data plan, don't complain to me about money.  I'm not saying we're broke, but we do have to choose between smartphone and satellite TV.  I mean, we are in a world where people who have hundreds of dollars worth of electronic equipment can't figure out how to pay their power bills and people who think satellite TV and data plans are utilities like power and water.  We've lost all perspective on what's necessary and what is a luxury so we work hard and still never seem to have money.