I should know things by now that would make a difference, but I never learn.

I am pissed today for no good reason.  When I'm angry for no reason, I think it means I'm depressed.  Does it always appear as sad and lethargic?  I mean, I know when I'm sad sometimes I'm just sad, but sometimes I'm depressed.

The other thing I don't really learn is what to do about it.  I mean, at times I eat better, do service, distract myself, and exercise.  Other times, I am still depressed or there are times when I know I'm depressed but it's kind of too late because I today I could probably do service, distract myself, do a dance video, or stop drinking this cup of coffee and eating this muffin, but I don't.  Because I don't care.  I mean, why should I?  What I don't get is people saying "This is what you do to not be depressed" Well, who cares?  No one cares if I'm happy, sad, angry, or, frankly, existent so why am I under such obligation to do a damn thing about it?

And I pointed out to my friend that I get soo sooo sick of people saying that happiness is a choice and if you just make yourself be happy, it will work.  Or things like the only people who say it's impossible to be happy all the time are people who aren't happy.  Well, I guess that can be true, but happiness is a bite in the ass.  If I'm happy, then I can be sad.  The only way I have figured out how not to be sad or angry is to shut off all emotion altogether and that only works so long before a person gets tired and just can't take it anymore.  Then they are either dead inside or sad.  I can be super positive sometimes, but I just don't understand how some people can criticize people who are unhappy and act like they have no idea what it's like to be unhappy.  Can someone explain this to me?  It baffles me a lot of the time.

I'm just angry.  I'm not in a bad bad place because I'm not worried about myself, really.  Just don't like being angry, yet I am not able to un-angry myself so far or care about doing the things that might even work.

I've been writing and editing the last few weeks which is the only thing that makes my heart sing.  It's not something I was able to do for a few months so I think it's a good sign.

Then today came.