It's You, Not Them,

When it seems like everyone is out to get you, it's not them, it is you.  When it seems like people will inevitably hurt you, it's not them, it's you.  When you get that paranoid feeling that everyone is following you, it's not them, it is you.  When it feels like everyone is abandoning you, it's not them, it's you.

You are the facebook stalker.  You are the person driving others away.

Being proud of being called a bitch means that you are proud of the fact that you are disrespectful and demeaning to other people.

You want other people to help you out, but if they don't do or say something exactly the way you want them to, you criticize them.  If they apologize, you kick them while they are down and harp on their mistake.  That's YOU driving them away.

You turn innocent comments into attacks on yourself.  You are always the victim.  You take exactly zero accountability.  You think because you have these flaws and challenges and mental issues that you get a pass, but if someone else dares say they have challenges, you jump down their throat and tell them it's nothing compared to your challenges.  Believe it or not, your life is not as bad as you think.  It's you.

You claim people hurt you, but most people who are truly sensitive to pain are also sensitive to hurting others and yet your swath devastates even the strongest people around you, the ones able to take more pain than most, the ones able to be hurt and still come back.  Eventually a kicked puppy, tired of cowering, will turn.

*This is a rant based on some things that have happened with a couple other people, but it's an accurate observation of certain people on this earth. Just keep in mind if you have a toxic person behaving this way, you need to get out.  It can hurt.  The repercussions can haunt you, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel... at least until you meet the next person like this.  Hey, hopefully I'll be smart enough to recognize it BEFORE I end up in emotional anguish...

The Church of Jenga

I was raised in the LDS religion.  While I respect a lot of things I learn by being raised religiously, I have always had questions.  In the land of the internets, I find most non-religious people accuse religious people of being stupid, yet many in my family more intelligent than I have strong faith. Trust me when I say they are WELL above average, but I can explain how if people doubt it.

Anyway, I had this moment last night where I saw this game of Jenga and it clarified a lot for me.  Me and my siblings all started with this new game of Jenga.  Everything was in a crisp, perfect block. 

The thing is, as you grow and learn, a block carefully slides out.  You ask the question and you look to scripture or a religious leader or your heart for an answer.  Now two things can happen.  I won't say only two, but I will say I see only two.  You take that answer, an answer that may be logical or beautiful or fair, an answer "inspired by God" or maybe just made up by a fallible human and you look at that block in your hand and you have a choice.  You can think it still doesn't fit or in your heart it just doesn't feel right and you set that block aside.

For others, for those in my family, I think they took those blocks and are building themselves a damned stairway to heaven.

Mine slowly wore away. I will probably get into examples in future, but when I couldn't come to terms with a question, my blocks got set aside.  It didn't happen all at once, but eventually, the whole tower came down.