Parenting Tips

All right.  I know I've just got the one kid and was the baby of a large family so I don't know everything, but as is the theme of the internet, I'm going to pretend I know everything about everything anway.  I will follow this up with sweeping generalizations and judging words.  Basically, it's the things lots of people think, but it would make us bad people to say it out loud.  Frankly, it makes me a bad person to make it public on a blog, too, but I know all, therefore, I will say it anyway.

Let's start with the fact that I know everything about parenting.

I went to the store with my sister.  Look, I love her, but she's crazy.  She's got 5 kids and I know she loves them.  I know she believes in certain things regarding the rearing of children that I find insane.  Avoiding the word no is one of them.

Hell to the 'No'
I've heard the parents who believe you should never say the word no.  Instead you should distract the child.  I've also seen the ones who say no, but don't follow through.  The biggest excuse seems to be that they don't want to get into an argument with their kid.

So, you're too exhausted to go head to head with a three year old.  Do you think it's going to get easier when they are 15?  Hellz to the NO!

You have kids and if you want responsible adults, then you are going to have to put on your big kid undies and remind your kids that you run the household, not them.

I get it with my sister, okay?  5 kids!  3 who are not school age, yet.  I got exhausted fighting with my one kid at times, but the best advice I got came from the book The Baby Whisperer

Start as you mean to go on.

THE LESSON: If you mean to give in to your kids' demands for their entire lives, then by all means, give up the fight before it even starts.  The quickest way to your kids running the show instead of the parents is by giving them too much power.  Too much power is what they feel when Mom is too tired to push back on important issues - ones that affect their future and their siblings.

Holding Hands is for Sissies!
My sister needed me to go grocery shopping with her in order to get supplies for a party for one of her kids.  I'm helping prep some food and she wanted some input.  We get out of the car with the 3 younger kids.  She's carrying the baby and completely oblivious to the other two.

THE LESSON: Until a kid is in kindergarten, you hold their hand to cross the street or in parking lots.  This isn't because you worry about the kid running off, it's because it is a little unfair to expect that cars coming through the parking lot can see your little munchkin!  Better to attach them to your body.  Not enough hands?  Teach them to grab a pocket or carry ribbon with you.  You think you've taught your kid not to wonder, but when they see a gumball machine, they will forget the rules.

Whoever Yells the Loudest Wins.
One day, our 13 year old said "Why doesn't [my sister] just say that's the way it is."  My husband said "Who runs that house?" and without missing a beat, our 13 year old astutely responsed "Whoever yells the loudest."

Truth.

We were going to say "the kids", but her answer is even more correct.

S would lean forward.  L leaned forward.  S moved left.  L moved left.  S sat back and folded her arms.  L sat back and folded her arms.  S angrily says "Stop copying me.  You know it makes me mad.  Why would you want to do that?"

I've seen this situation a dozen times at my sister's house.  Someone would move a book.  Another kid yells.  Mom and Dad say "You know that bothers him.  Why would you do that?" Or "Just leave it there because he likes it better there."

So, the kid who moved the book doesn't have the right to like the book better where she put it? No, because it's the kid who throws the biggest fit who gets things his way. They say it's OCD, but OCD in this case is being catered to.  OCD is fast becoming a serious condition and turning into an excuse.  "My crazy trumps your crazy because it's OCD.  You have to do it my way, not your way, because I'm OCD."  NO.  Maybe I really, really like the way I do things.  Why do you get to use "OCD" as a blanket term for people to follow your unreasonable demands?  This is what they are teaching their kids.  They come first as long as they whine about it longer and louder than anyone else.

I've met those adults.  They are no fun to be around and make everyone else miserable.  YAY!

THE LESSON: My body is my body.  Your body is your body.  As long as my body doesn't affect your body physically, I can do whatever the hell I want.  If it bothers you, that's *your* problem and NO ONE ELSE'S.

Racism - Fun Topic, Right?

I've been watching 'The Facts of Life' because it's a show I really liked when I was younger and watching it now, the early years anyway, I realize how many topics they tried to talk about which shows had not, could not, or chose not to discuss.  Some topics are still taboo.

In the episode I watched with my husband and daughter on Wednesday, Blair (The Spoiled One) learned that someone back in her family tree had not only fought against integration, he turned out to be a member of the KKK.

Three letters that make even this whiter that white girl's heart skip a beat with sadness and despair so I cannot imagine what they do to a person of a certain other race.* (see below)

Well, Blair overcompensated to Token Black Girl on the show and then one of the girls confronted her.  Blair said something along the lines of "My grandfather was racist.  What if that means I'm racist, too?"

And the friend said "Blair, you are not racist."

Ah.  Remember that brief time in the 80s where if you treated people with respect and didn't let the color of another person's skin affect your feelings of them, you weren't a racist?  Good times.  Of course there were a lot of bigots and racists.  I'd even argue that the number is still there, but they have become better at hiding in plain sight.

Now there is a no-win situation happening.  If I notice a person is black, it's because I'm segregating them for their skin and therefore a racist.  If I don't notice a person is black, I'm not acknowledging their culture and therefore a racist.  I know that there are groups within groups that are banding together to say these things and one group thinks the former is racist while another thinks the latter is racist, but what is created is an environment where white people are not allowed to be considered "not racist".  Ever.  No matter what is done/not done, said/not said, acknowledged/not acknowledged, it is called out as racist.

Well, I discussed this with a friend yesterday.  Yeah, she's a white girl, too, so of course our opinions are from our point of view.  Keep in mind it is impossible for us to have another point of view.  We cannot choose our ancenstry whether we want to or not.  We will constantly be criticized for that.

Anyway, when someone was saying "Why isn't there a White Pride Day?" (which I think she and I both agree is not needed) she heard a response I rather liked where a commenter responded "Because when you are the first car in Mario Kart, you don't need the blue turtle."  I don't think we need to play Mario Kart to understand that!  (Although, if you do, let's just say that if you are the winner of a race, you don't need a booster pack, do you?  That seems excessive.)

I'd like to take that analogy one step further.  What happens when you are the first car in Mario Kart and everyone behind you is blaming you for being at the front?  They are clamoring for first place and making you feel like shit at every turn whether you fall to the back of the crowd or not.

I don't agree with the term reverse racism, but I'm not sure I disagree with it, either.  The fact is, I could stand before a person who is calling me a racist for this post and ask them what they want from me and give it to them and still be called a racist by someone else.  Because white people aren't even allowed to win the "I don't want to be a racist, I'm not trying to be a racist, I think racism is awful," game.  Because of the color of their skin.


(from above)*Wow.  I struggled with the end of that sentence.  Any words I chose could have been seen as racist by some segment of the population.  Which is kind of my point.