I feel anger.  Enraged.  Underlying irritation even when I'm happy lately and I don't know why.  I hate being a ticking bomb, but for some dumb reason, examining my life as it is doesn't seem to yield answers.  I just wish I knew what was up and could start working on making things better.  Tomorrow just keeps coming even though I kind of want to get off the ride for a few days.

An Artist's Life for me

Just ended a long week temping the old 8-5, M-F.  This is just a couple weeks after doing a previous week and then a few Mondays this summer.

Well, it appears I'm supposed to be grateful - for the experience or the money or something.  I feel like I don't see my family anymore and find myself instead thinking about things like how can a parent who works full-time think they know their kid at all?  How can a person who works that many hours a week believe they have it all?  How many marriages only work because the couple never see each other?

I set Jane up on playdates every day.  I checked in to see where she was and what was happening.  I called her on lunch every day and when I got home, I asked what she did and if she had fun.  I find it hard to believe that a parent who sticks their kid in daycare, know where they are every day, and get soft in their routine can say as much.  I'm not an overbearing, overly nurturing Mom so I know I'm not smothering her by being home, but I have a feeling I know my kid better than most parents and I don't quite understand having a kid you don't have any desire to know.

If you spend all day at work, then come home, someone has to clean, cook, etc.  Hiring people to do this is fine, but you still have to do bills, register your kids for school, and all those other little tasks that add up.  Why believe this is really all?  No, I have it all most of the time.  I know my kid, get to play with my kid, but also get to follow my dream of writing.  I will throw in the disclaimer here that I realize many people need the extra income, don't dream of an artists life, or don't have the support of their spouse in such endeavors.  I understand that, but stop judging me because I do have those things.  Yeah, who couldn't use a little more money, but I know tons of people who make more and still don't have enough.  What's enough?  You just end up spending whatever you make.

I'll admit things aren't always perfect, but my spouse and I get along pretty great - better than most couples - and we do it without hiding ourselves to make the other happy.  We are pretty honest with each other and still make it work.  Sure, making yourself too available ends up making yourself taken for granted, but a gal can (and should) have a life outside of her marriage.  Go out with friends.  Join groups with common interests.  Whatever it takes.

I'm just saying, I reflect and say this is working for us, but so much emphasis is placed in the wrong areas of life.  We can't predict what's going to happen in our future, but it's not fair for everyone to tell me what I should be doing.  I've spent years listening to them judge me for not working and I will tell you now, they've got nothing in comparison to what I have.  Don't knock it 'till you try it.