List: Ways to be prepared for anything at your kid's game!

Lacrosse has been a lot of fun, but lately I started reminiscing about the first season she played.  We loved watching her learn the sport and even though they lost all their games back then, they had smiles on their faces and determination.

But for a new parent, things were different.  My memory of me and my husband, proud parents, included pulling up our hoods, zipping up tight, wrapping our arms around ourselves, and praying we didn't freeze to death.

Because some days it is really warm at your house, but the game is at a higher elevation and an open field so the wind whips right through you.  Other times, you feel cool in the shade, but out on the field, the sun is burning your skin.  Then there are the days where you forget it's a double header, plus warm-up time, no trees in sight, and you come home looking like a lobster.

So while we started out by carrying a couple canvas folding chairs and a jacket, we ended up with a nifty little bag that has kept us comfortable.  I've watched other seasoned parents carrying armloads of gear to the field, bringing other kids to help them carry and I think maybe I've figured out the right mixture.

1. I started with this (diaper) bag because, well, I sell Avon so I got it really cheap. I gave away the insides to someone I knew who just had a baby.  It's been perfect (for two)! It's about 17 inches wide, 12 inches tall.  You don't need anything enormous.
2. Buy two 1-yard pieces of polar or cuddle fleece at the fabric store. These make great warm blankets and they're pretty adorable.  Make sure the pattern will embarrass your athlete. In December and January that fabric goes on sale really cheap!  Roll them up.  Two fit perfectly in this bag.
3. Tuck in two umbrellas.  Much like soccer, they only cancel lacrosse if they see lightning strike the field or the snow is deeper than an inch.  Umbrellas protect you from those rainy days, but also help cool you off parasol-style on the relentlessly cloudless, sunny days.
4. Slide a zipper case first aid kit down one side.  I know they have first aid on the field, but it never hurts to have your own, right?  I tucked some allergy pills in the kit.  Sometimes you find yourself at a field near farms and those allergies you think are mild can act up quite a bit!
5. In one pocket we carry tissues and I stick Avon's bug guard / sun screen (two birds, one spray bottle!) into the same pocket.  
6. We can get two water bottles in there, too.
7. Strap a couple baseball caps to the handle if you don't wear one regularly.
8. Throw an old jacket or extra blanket in the trunk of your car just in case.
9. One folding chair per person. Over at Home Depot, they sell these things for less than $10 - I even picked it up on a rare $4.88 sale! - they hold our (not skinny!) weight, they are light to carry, and they happen to come in orange (my daughter's team is orange and blue).
   

Seriously, this is all we have needed for three years (starting the fourth season in the spring).  It's small enough that I carry the bag in my trunk all year (you never know!) and it's convenient to carry out to the field.

What about you?  Do you think there should be more on this list?

Parenting Tips

All right.  I know I've just got the one kid and was the baby of a large family so I don't know everything, but as is the theme of the internet, I'm going to pretend I know everything about everything anway.  I will follow this up with sweeping generalizations and judging words.  Basically, it's the things lots of people think, but it would make us bad people to say it out loud.  Frankly, it makes me a bad person to make it public on a blog, too, but I know all, therefore, I will say it anyway.

Let's start with the fact that I know everything about parenting.

I went to the store with my sister.  Look, I love her, but she's crazy.  She's got 5 kids and I know she loves them.  I know she believes in certain things regarding the rearing of children that I find insane.  Avoiding the word no is one of them.

Hell to the 'No'
I've heard the parents who believe you should never say the word no.  Instead you should distract the child.  I've also seen the ones who say no, but don't follow through.  The biggest excuse seems to be that they don't want to get into an argument with their kid.

So, you're too exhausted to go head to head with a three year old.  Do you think it's going to get easier when they are 15?  Hellz to the NO!

You have kids and if you want responsible adults, then you are going to have to put on your big kid undies and remind your kids that you run the household, not them.

I get it with my sister, okay?  5 kids!  3 who are not school age, yet.  I got exhausted fighting with my one kid at times, but the best advice I got came from the book The Baby Whisperer

Start as you mean to go on.

THE LESSON: If you mean to give in to your kids' demands for their entire lives, then by all means, give up the fight before it even starts.  The quickest way to your kids running the show instead of the parents is by giving them too much power.  Too much power is what they feel when Mom is too tired to push back on important issues - ones that affect their future and their siblings.

Holding Hands is for Sissies!
My sister needed me to go grocery shopping with her in order to get supplies for a party for one of her kids.  I'm helping prep some food and she wanted some input.  We get out of the car with the 3 younger kids.  She's carrying the baby and completely oblivious to the other two.

THE LESSON: Until a kid is in kindergarten, you hold their hand to cross the street or in parking lots.  This isn't because you worry about the kid running off, it's because it is a little unfair to expect that cars coming through the parking lot can see your little munchkin!  Better to attach them to your body.  Not enough hands?  Teach them to grab a pocket or carry ribbon with you.  You think you've taught your kid not to wonder, but when they see a gumball machine, they will forget the rules.

Whoever Yells the Loudest Wins.
One day, our 13 year old said "Why doesn't [my sister] just say that's the way it is."  My husband said "Who runs that house?" and without missing a beat, our 13 year old astutely responsed "Whoever yells the loudest."

Truth.

We were going to say "the kids", but her answer is even more correct.

S would lean forward.  L leaned forward.  S moved left.  L moved left.  S sat back and folded her arms.  L sat back and folded her arms.  S angrily says "Stop copying me.  You know it makes me mad.  Why would you want to do that?"

I've seen this situation a dozen times at my sister's house.  Someone would move a book.  Another kid yells.  Mom and Dad say "You know that bothers him.  Why would you do that?" Or "Just leave it there because he likes it better there."

So, the kid who moved the book doesn't have the right to like the book better where she put it? No, because it's the kid who throws the biggest fit who gets things his way. They say it's OCD, but OCD in this case is being catered to.  OCD is fast becoming a serious condition and turning into an excuse.  "My crazy trumps your crazy because it's OCD.  You have to do it my way, not your way, because I'm OCD."  NO.  Maybe I really, really like the way I do things.  Why do you get to use "OCD" as a blanket term for people to follow your unreasonable demands?  This is what they are teaching their kids.  They come first as long as they whine about it longer and louder than anyone else.

I've met those adults.  They are no fun to be around and make everyone else miserable.  YAY!

THE LESSON: My body is my body.  Your body is your body.  As long as my body doesn't affect your body physically, I can do whatever the hell I want.  If it bothers you, that's *your* problem and NO ONE ELSE'S.

Kids and technology

Why Steve Jobs Didn't Let His Kids Use iPads

Go read that.

It's a common theme these days and this article, amongst others, are blowing up around the internet and in the real world.

I've got parents saying they think they've got it right because their kids have basic cell phones, shared computer, and limits on their game system.  I've got another parent who takes my kid's cell phone away when she goes to play at her friend's house and, by the way, has never given me her phone number, doesn't have a land line and therefore isn't listed in the phone directory.  I've got someone else near me who says she doesn't mind having no cell phone or cable tv because it makes her kids be more creative, but when someone bought her a tablet, she immediately started a share plan so her kids could use it and be out of her hair.

THEY ARE ALL WRONG!

I want those parents who think they are superior for keeping "technology" from their kids to ask themselves whether or not their kids are ever going to drive a car or if you'll expect them to ride a horse and then ask themselves if they are really as superior as they think.

Look, if someone doesn't want a smart phone, that's their choice.  I feel like in modern society, it's okay to accept use of a cell phone.  After all, the pay phones all over town have been taken out and many places have policies specifically against using their business phone.  (Don't believe me?  Start asking at every business you go into.  Several of them have a specific company policy regarding this.)  Cell phones are expensive, but the alternatives we had in the past are gone.  Previous to phones, the worst thing that happened was a run away horse so our family had less worry about us dying if we disappeared for two hours.

The fact is, kids need to learn to balance technology with life.  Why do we use that word anyway?  The assembly line designed by the 'great and powerful' Ford is a type of technology.  It's our little portable devices we're discussing here and just like the assembly line, they will change everything we do from now until the apocalypse so best we get on board with understanding that it is more than an outlet to play Candy Crush.

It's sort of like teaching manners to a three year old.  Lots of people choose not to do it because "a kid is a kid!" but in reality, you are doing them a disservice.  How do you think they will learn manners if you don't teach it to them?  Teach them the importance of these devices, but also teach them when to put it away.  They will be much better adults if they don't think it's an all or nothing deal.  You're trying to control their every movement and frankly, kids who are overly controlled don't learn how to manage anything and are crippled adults.  These new adults aren't computer addicts because their parents let them be on the computer all the time.  They are addicts because no one taught them to set goals, limits, leave the games until the work is done.

Parents of the most recent generation were very busy and just wanted their kids out of their hair.

Look at my kid, okay?  At thirteen, I don't push the limits of her electronic use very much.  Why?  Because when she was younger, I made her earn her computer time. I waited to get her a cell phone until she was old enough to be running off with friends on her own (not play dates or babysitting where I'm there or there is a babysitter who can make emergency calls) and we waited to get her a cell phone until she had proved herself to be trusted and responsible.

Don't get me wrong.  When we sit down to dinner as a family, I sometimes have to remind her to put her phone away, but she does it immediately and we usually sit around talking after the meal.  She gets on the computer and we lose her for a few hours, but that happens about once a month.  Other than that, she plays lacrosse, goes outside to practice, plays her guitar, and hangs out with friends.

Yeah, she listens to music a lot on her iPod.  I listened to it a ton in my room on a tape deck.  I watched too much TV because I didn't have friends... not the other way around.  She has lots of friends so she has little interest in playing video games all night.  She actually has access to the Wii by herself, but she never plays it.  We have a PS3, too and she plays it for about 40 minutes when we are out for a walk, then turns it off for family time when we get home.

She has no siblings, you see, so it's a little harder to say "Hey, go entertain yourself."  Kids with siblings aren't entertaining themselves.  They are entertaining each other.  IMO, this will make them extra dependent on another for their happiness when they are older.  It's why some people jump into bad marriages.

We have used the iPhone to download study aides and reminders for a kid who has trouble remembering stuff and who does lots of research for school classes.  She's independent in her work, but we're always here to help.  Instead of doing things for her, we give her the tools to do it herself.

It's cool if you want to keep your kids from these devices.  Just stop thinking you've done something "right".  No, not "right", just "different".

Parenting tip

Parenting tip #73.  (Don't go looking. I just make up numbers.)

When I read The Baby Whisperer, one thing she said that made a lot of sense was "Start as you mean to go on."  As I recall (a decade later so I expect she said much more on the subject) was that you need to think in terms of the baby's habits... like sleeping in your bed or feeding schedules. 

In reality, this is a great piece of advice which you can relate to many many subjects.  Not only start as you mean to go on, but also have you kids behave at home as you would like them to behave elsewhere.

Based totally on my own observation, I think parents lose perspective when they are with their kids; particularly stay-at-home moms.  Yeah, I'm one, but I did think in these terms which I *believe* reduced the annoying things my kid did.  At least, I got lots of compliments about how well behaved she was and it was partly because I respected her so she respected me and others.

Specific examples of what I'm saying:  If you let you kid jump on the couch at your house, they'll do it on other couches.  Fine if you don't care about your own furniture, but stop and think for a minute.  If your mom just bought a new, nice couch, would you want to bring your kids in and start letting them jump on it in muddy shoes?  No.  Do you really think it's polite to let them do it at, say, the library?  No.  So maybe, even if it doesn't bother you, you should not let them do it at home.  It doesn't have to be a big punishment deal, just show that you expect them to not jump on the furniture and eventually they'll learn not to do it.  Let them learn this at home instead of having them do it at someone's house and waiting until your friend looks frustrated, upset, and doesn't want your kids to come over anymore.  That creates a feeling they should be punished for jumping on it.  If they aren't really allowed at home, then you don't have to punish, over time it becomes something you just don't do.  Like throwing food.  Kids do it, but you don't let them continue to do it, do you?  But you also don't have to yell and scream to make them stop.  You just have to give a look that says you are not amused and say "Please don't do that."  They'll do it again, of course, but I haven't seen very many 4 year olds who throw their food across the room unless they are totally neglected.  Why is jumping on furniture more allowed?

I mean, I just see a lot of kids whose parent or baby sitter entertains them all day - in their face, talking, leading games, etc.  There should definitely be a certain amount of structured play, but as adults, they won't have someone to entertain them.  If they learn how to entertain themselves, it encourages their creativity and teaches them that it's okay to take chances, but also gives them practice on finding ways to entertain themselves.  Sometimes a mom becomes so accustomed to the life and lose perspective that they don't realize other things.  I've seen situations where a mom thinks it is amusing that her kid wants to join her in the bathroom.  Later I'll hear from someone who babysat the same kid that the kid walked in on them in the bathroom - awkward!  So teach you kids boundaries and respect by giving them boundaries and showing them respect.  How will they learn to live in the world if you don't make them live in it every day?  If you make your house too kid friendly and let the kids set the patterns for every little thing, it's not a real world.