Non-conformist is the new conformist

I remember when I was in High School (omg, my 20th reunion is this August.  UGH!) and they were known as "mod" shortly followed by "goth".  I am sure I was put into this group because I wore black and walked around depressed, but the fact is, even the goths had their own clique going on and I wasn't really accepted by them as a group either.  In HS, I ran around with one or two people from each clique so it's not like I didn't have friends at all, but I was never accepted by any of the groups, even the subversive ones, so I had a different kind of outcast feeling than what I see in movies and television.  Yet, these subversive groups were very small.  You could look at the general student population and see the rockers, the preps, the archetypes explored in Breakfast Club, but the dark, depressed characters were a very small percentage of the student population.

Now I watch the kids walking home from school thinking they are the subversive non-conformists in their emo gear that looks like it was picked up at Emo R Us (remember being in HS and being goth?  You had to shop a dozen stores and pick through the clearance racks to find the stuff no one else wanted.  Our black was simple black jeans and black tee because we didn't have options.)  Their clothes are just as designer as the preppy kids, but now the preppy kids are the small percentage of the student population.  Almost all the kids look like they stepped out of Hot Topic.  They have fully conformed to the idea of what makes them non-conformist.  They are the definition of conformity, but more amusing than that, they don't know it.

I can't follow rules.  I tried.  I spent a lot of time beating myself up and feeling like a failure because the rules did not work for me.

I'm not talking about rebelling for the sake of being defiant or breaking laws and rules that are inconsiderate to others.  I think it's really important to remember that others exist and deserve to be treated with respect.

But I sat in church feeling like there was something inherently wrong with me because I didn't think the things they taught made sense and I felt like I was evil because of the things I thought that made me happy.  I had trouble committing to jobs (understatement.  I tried very hard to fit in at various jobs - started out excited, got depressed, quit, felt stupid for quitting, and was never really in my right mind)

I tried losing weight at a Weight Watchers type group (done through the hospital, not affiliated, but same concept) and using online groups, but I failed harder than when I went on my own.  I join writers groups and try so hard to find success by associating with others, but even that doesn't seem to work.

I don't know my point here, to be honest.  I just think it's really funny to see the stream of kids coming from school thinking they are different, but they are all the same.  I bet the generation above me thought the same thing.  Plus, I guess I thought talking about how I felt like a failure when I did what I was "supposed" to do would be therapeutic, but I find myself in the exact same place... wishing I had the strength to do more with my life, but also loving the artistic lifestyle I'm living.